This is where we gather from time to time to talk about something big in the Padres world or just the Padres or just baseball. It’s a roundtable discussion. Except, you know, no round tables. This is a Public House…so we’re at the bar.
Over the course of human history, there have been many epic battles.
- 480 B.C. – Thermopylae
- 1066 A.D. – Hastings
- 1588 – Defeat of the Spanish Armada
- 1815 – Waterloo
- 1863 – Gettysburg
- 1985 – The Cola Wars
But these ALL pale in comparison to what we will witness tonight, in Chicago at Wrigley Field, when Anthony Rizzo steps into the batter’s box to face down Andrew Cashner.
So, without further ado, we bring you…
Left Coast Bias
I don’t want to make to big a deal about these games but…the entire 44 year franchise history is riding on what happens in Chicago this week.
Cashner will throw hard; Rizzo will continue to look good in a baseball uniform; Hoyer will be interviewed for 1090 and my heart will break all over again.
Ghost of Ray Kroc
This is what WILL happen. Remember that I’m a ghost and am not bound by your silly constraints of time and space.
Cashner will pitch to Rizzo. At first, nothing will happen. However, as soon as Rizzo makes contact with bat to ball, the universe and everything in it will collapse upon itself in an instant.
You, as mortal beings, will not even realize it has happened. But everything that occurs next will actually be occuring in a parallel universe. And this phenomenon will be repeated every time Cashner and Rizzo face each other.
Jed Hoyer is the only one, other than myself, who will be aware of this phenomenon, as he is also from an alternate plane of existence. Albeit from a much more cool plane of existence.
Sacrifice Bunt Mel
Every strikeout of Rizzo by Cashner will send automatic electrical shocks through Jed Hoyer’s body, and Hoyer loses one point on the “best looking front office member in Padres history” scale.
Every hit off Cashner by Rizzo means one minute is added to David Marver’s next documentary film, and one additional brown throwback jersey day is added to the Padres schedule.
Vocal Minority David
Cashner has been preparing for this, the single most important day in Padres history, for some time. He knew that Anthony Rizzo was the most dangerous game; cunning, talented, and a man of such power that he has defeated the deadliest of foes. When the team flight left San Diego, Cashner was not on it. The San Diego to Chicago road trip is one I’ve driven, and it’s one that takes you through the beautiful mountains of northern Arizona, the mesas of New Mexico, and the truck stops and miscellaneous horrors of the Ozarks. With those comes wildcats, coyotes (pronounced ky-oats, in this instance), and hillbillies. Cashner walked, wrestled, hitched rides, and swam his way to Chicago, preparing himself for today. Which is, of course, the biggest moment in Padres history.
Along the way, Cashner has fashioned a championship belt made of buckskin and driftwood. If he emerges victorious, he plans to wear said belt forever. MLB can fine him all he wants; he means forever.
Cashner has morphed into Chuck Norris. In fact, I will not be surprised if after he no-hits the Cubs today he rips off his face mask to reveal Chuck Norris.
No no no, no Chuck Norris.
I prefer to think of Cashner as a drifter/mountain man with a billionaire benefactor named Lyle. Kind of like a rustic Magnum P.I., without a friend who flies a helicopter.
Ghost of RAK
So, Grizzly Adams if he was a private investigator in the Rocky Mountains? Got it.
And, instead of Ben the Grizzly Bear, Dale Thayer would be his sidekick. They drive around in a surplus Desert Storm Humvee, dispensing justice via fastballs to the face.
You get me. You really get me.
Avenging Jack Murphy
It would be too anticlimactic for this showdown to be settled on Wednesday so I see things shaking down as follows:
- Andrew Cashner strikes Anthony Rizzo out because he throws it hard, up, and in. Rizzo can’t catch-up to the heat. It’s a 3 pitch AB.
- Anthony Rizzo hits a HR because Andrew Cashner can’t possibly replicate the location of his pitches during the previous AB.
- In two ABs Cashner has Dressed the Deer.
- In the third AB between the duo . . . Chicago’s spring showers begin and the game is postponed.
You failed to mention that the 3rd at-bat occurs before the game becomes official, resulting in all the stats not counting. Then they don’t make up the game due to both teams being out of the playoff race. It’s almost as if Rizzo vs Cashner never existed.
Which brings up the question: Do we even exist?
Padres Public is an amazing team. We complete each other!
We end this edition of The Bar with the one and only Tom Hanks posing for a picture with — what may or may not be — a passed out Avenging Jack Murphy.