Letters They Never Received

Sometimes letters never reach their intended targets, instead becoming lost, abandoned, or otherwise discarded amongst the abundance of flyers and coupons in the mailperson’s sack. Sometimes those letters end up at the doorstep of the Padres Public headquarters, where we promptly publish them. Here are some of those letters.

Mr. Mike Dee,
CEO, San Diego Padres Baseball Club.
August 28, 2014

Mr. Dee — I am writing to compliment you on the latest addition to Petco Park, the Bud Selig Plaza. It is my understanding that a few rabble rousers have pitched a fit over this development. Please, pay them no attention. There is no better way to honor someone like Bud Selig, a commissioner who has accomplished so much good for not only baseball in general but for the San Diego Padres, than to name a piece of Petco Park after him. In fact, Selig has done so much good for San Diego during his tenure that it almost becomes impossible to recite what – exactly — he has done. Don’t worry, you don’t have to expound to me. It’s more than apparent that Selig was instrumental in the creation of Petco Park and, perhaps more importantly, in orchestrating the purchase of the Padres by the current O’Malley/Fowler ownership group.

If I we’re to level with you for a moment, I’m surprised that Selig only got a Plaza. But I understand, the bloggers and all … Anyhow, you guys are doing a great job running the Padres organization. It’s wonderful to see the team operate so flawlessly and without any marketing snafus. Keep up the great work.

 Very sincerely yours, Al

P.S.—Is there any way we can get something named after Jeff Moorad? Maybe just a corridor? I realize his time here wasn’t always as smooth as the current operation, but he did plenty of good himself. He hired Jed Hoyer, then he hired Josh Byres and that prompted Hoyer to leave for the Cubs, which led to Byrnes taking over as general manager and eventually getting himself fired, which led to your group hiring A.J. Preller. And who doesn’t like Preller? And let’s not forgot that mega TV deal he pulled off.  –Al

***

Cody Decker,
First basemen, El Paso Chihuahuas.
September 5, 2014

Dear Mr. Decker — It’s come with great surprise and disappointment to see that you haven’t received a September call-up this year. Following your progress all season in El Paso was a pleasure and I was sure that you would make your major league debut this summer. Not only did you lead the Chihuahuas in home runs with 27, but you were fourth on the team in OPS and it looked like your defense at first base improved every day. Obviously your outstanding performance didn’t earn you a cup of coffee this year, so I’ve outlined a sure-fire plan to get you the respect and notoriety you deserve next season. (Maybe the Padres forgot you existed?)

  1. Get on Twitter – Sure, I’m an old-fashioned guy myself, but my kids are on this thing all day. Apparently, you “follow” people and they “follow” you back, and you can, as my kids say, “tweet at them.” Get on there, say some funny things and grow yourself a solid follower base. Don’t just regurgitate the typical athlete mantra; instead, be interesting and build a sort of brand for yourself. More followers will roll in, and before you know it, you’ll be a sort of C-list athlete-celebrity.
  2. Late Night Television – Get your face on TV as much as possible. Pitch yourself to any type of late night variety shows, if you can handle the banter. This will get you more recognition and also allow you to show off your personality. Late night shows are preferable, but don’t turn down anything. If you can get a local news spot, take it.
  3. YouTube – Make movies and post them on YouTube. (My kids also tell me this is really popular these days.) If you have a flair for editing or can get some help, do that. Buy a nice camera and make it look professional, but keep the content light, clever, and funny.

There you have it. Twitter. TV. YouTube. Repeat. If you can start these endeavors in the offseason and perfect your craft as next season nears, there’s no doubt you’ll garner national attention and, more importantly, catch the eye of the Padres brass.

                                                                                   Best Wishes, Ed from El Paso

 ***

Mr. Tony Gwynn,
Right Fielder, San Diego Padres Baseball Club.
April 24th, 1994

Dear Mr. Gwynn – I hope you forgive me for finally writing, but it’s gone on for far too long now. I know, I know, I’m incredibly grateful for all that you’ve done for me over the years. Heck, you made a name for me. And at first, the newfound attention was great (third base is still jealous). But now, some 13 years after you’ve entered the league, it just has to stop.

You racked up another five hits last night and somehow managed to avoid peppering me. Thanks. The years of abuse have taken their toll and the results – the misshapen sod, the burnt grass, the lace-marked dirt – are ugly. There isn’t enough time in the day for the grounds crew to make me look presentable. I’d like to go back to the days when I was an afterthought, the days when I would provide an occasional safe-haven for a seeing-eye single and then return to anonymity.

I held off writing for as long as I could, figuring you’d decline sometime in your mid-thirties, maybe enter a sort of pull-heavy, power-based game as your speed and hand-eye coordination faded. But you’re 34 now and showing no signs of mercy, so I was left with no other recourse. I hope this doesn’t fracture what I feel has been a mutually beneficial relationship. No hard feelings — but please, take it easy on me.

Forever yours, The 5.5 Hole

Letters They Never Received was a column originally written by W.R. Hoefer in the long-defunct Baseball Magazine. You can search the archives of the Baseball Magazine online at LA84 Foundation.

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  • kevintheomanharris

    This was great. I would encourage you to actually send off the Mike Dee letter, but I’m unsure if he’s actually competent enough to understand satire.

    • Dustin

      Thanks!