Letters They Never Received, Volume II

Sometimes letters never reach their intended targets, instead becoming lost, abandoned, or otherwise discarded amongst the abundance of flyers and coupons in the mailperson’s sack. Sometimes those letters end up at the doorstep of the Padres Public headquarters, where we promptly publish them. Here are some of those letters.

Mr. Mike Dee
CEO, San Diego Padres Baseball Club.
April 20, 2016

Dear Mr. Dee—I just wanted to write to tell you how much I like the new Sycuan sign at Petco Park. What a beaut! It’s such a delight to be patrons of a team that cares so much about quality advertising, and that, my friend, is some quality advertising. I went to the game the other night with my boy and the first thing he asked me about was that glowing monstrosity looming over the batter’s eye, and we proceeded to have a wonderful conversation about my past tribulations with a game called blackjack . . . but I digress.

We marveled at the incandescent light shimmering off each letter, a gorgeously centered backdrop to the drubbing the home nine were taking on the field. It’s really a great location for such aesthetic mastery, boldly affixed atop the field of play. What a beaut!

Shoot, more I think about it, I can’t even remember what was there before. And now I’ve got an eight-year-old son who wants to hit the Vegas Strip. I just wanted to make sure you know how much we appreciate that sign, and for that matter, everything else you do—although I’m sure fans around the park are always telling you the same.

                                                                                                                                                                                                        Cheers,
Sam in Escondido

P.S.—Can any other team in the majors boast a one-two advertising punch like the Padres, with the aforementioned Sycuan sign and the now slightly overshadowed—but impressive in its own right, darn it—National University sign in left-center? That’s a heckuva combo. Keep up the good work.

***

Mr. Andy Green
Manager, San Diego Padres.
April 16, 2016

Dear Mr. Green—Hi, I play baseball on your team in San Diego. Just introducing myself. We’ve actually met a few times, but I’m not sure if you’d remember me. Figured I’d make it more formal and send you something in writing. I’ll see you tomorrow at the ballpark.

                                                                                                                                                                Sincerely,
Jabari Blash

***

******** Drew Pomeranz
Left-handed “pitcher,” San Diego Padres.
April 19, 2016

Dear ********—If you ever throw me that god**** curveball again I’m going to drive over to your house and rip your ulnar collateral ligament out of your arm myself. I like to hit a straight fastball, 92 miles-per-hour, outer half, and that loopy god**** 78 mph piece of **** pitch just aggravates the living **** out of me. Look, I understand that you guys have to mix in some offspeed bull**** every once in a while, but four times in one at-bat? C’mon, that’s some weak*** ****, man. I wouldn’t make a big stink about it if you threw one here and there, but I’ve been seeing curveballs in my sleep and my sports psychologist says that isn’t good. Worse yet, I had a bunch of old friends in attendance that night your piece of **** bum *** was on the bump, and I haven’t heard the end of it since. Even my wife can’t look at me without smirking. Enough with the curves, this ain’t some hillbilly bull**** bush league. Next time, just gimme the ****** heater.

   Yours truly,
[redacted]

P.S.—That’s a nice god**** pitch.

***

Mr. A.J. Preller
General Manager, San Diego Padres.
Dec 24, 2015

Dear A.J. and family—Just wanted to wish you and yours a happy holiday season. I know we had an amicable parting earlier this month, but I wanted to check in and reiterate that there are no hard feelings on my end. It’s a business, as they say, and I know Jon Jay is gonna help you guys a bunch. Really good guy, too—tremendous guy. I’ve been enjoying the offseason so far, and I’m looking forward to spending the year in St. Louis.

Sure, I had spent my entire professional career in the Padres organization and all—devoted everything I had to it, too, not to mention those Cal League bus trips from Lake Elsinore to Modesto—but I’ve moved on and harbor no ill will. None whatsoever. If I were a GM I’d have made the same trade twice over, no doubt. I eagerly await your response, and if you don’t have time to write, I’ll see you in the NLCS.

                                                                                                                                                                                         Best wishes,
Jedd (and the Gyorkos)

P.S.—How’s the weather in the DR? I’m thinking about investing in a small whale watching outfit down there.

Letters They Never Received was a column originally written by W.R. Hoefer in the long-defunct Baseball Magazine. You can search the archives of the Baseball Magazine online at LA84 Foundation.

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