The Padres 12 Days of Christmas

It’s Christmas time. And I’ve got a special gift for all Padres fans.

Well, maybe not all that special.

In the storied tradition* of coming up with alternate lyrics for classic songs, I give you what is sure to become a Christmas classic for all Padres fans.

Enjoy.

*Can I really call it a tradition if I’ve only done it once before? Screw it. I’m going with tradition.

On the first day of Christmas
The Padres gave to me:
A decision on Chase Headley

On the second day of Christmas
The Padres gave to me:
Two well-organized Beerfests
And a decision on Chase Headley

On the third day of Christmas
The Padres gave to me:
Three All-Star Game selections
Two well-organized Beerfests
And a decision on Chase Headley

On the fourth day of Christmas
The Padres gave to me:
Four healthy starting pitchers
Three All-Star Game selections
Two well-organized Beerfests
And a decision on Chase Headley

On the fifth day of Christmas
The Padres gave to me
ALL THE FIFTH OUTFIELDERS!
Four healthy starting pitchers
Three All-Star Game selections
Two well-organized Beerfests
And a decision on Chase Headley

On the sixth day of Christmas
The Padres gave to me:
Six taken off of the Batter’s Eye
ALL THE FIFTH OUTFIELDERS!
Four healthy starting pitchers
Three All-Star Game selections
Two well-organized Beerfests
And a decision on Chase Headley

On the seventh day of Christmas
The Padres gave to me:
Seven batters not bunting
Six taken off of the Batter’s Eye
ALL THE FIFTH OUTFIELDERS!
Four healthy starting pitchers
Three All-Star Game selections
Two well-organized Beerfests
And a decision on Chase Headley

On the eighth day of Christmas
The Padres gave to me:
Eight dollar pints of Ballast Point Sculpin
Seven batters not bunting
Six taken off of the Batter’s Eye
ALL THE FIFTH OUTFIELDERS!
Four healthy starting pitchers
Three All-Star Game selections
Two well-organized Beerfests
And a decision on Chase Headley

On the ninth day of Christmas
The Padres gave to me:
Nine Padres on the field wearing brown
Eight dollar Sculpins
Seven batters not bunting
Six taken off of the Batter’s Eye
ALL THE FIFTH OUTFIELDERS!
Four healthy starting pitchers
Three All-Star Game selections
Two well-organized Beerfests
And a decision on Chase Headley

On the tenth day of Christmas
The Padres gave to me:
Ten Denorfias diving
Nine Padres on the field wearing brown
Eight dollar Sculpins
Seven batters not bunting
Six taken off of the Batter’s Eye
ALL THE FIFTH OUTFIELDERS!
Four healthy starting pitchers
Three All-Star Game selections
Two well-organized Beerfests
And a decision on Chase Headley

On the eleventh day of Christmas
The Padres gave to me:
Eleven 2014 postseason wins**
Ten Denorfias diving
Nine Padres on the field wearing brown
Eight dollar Sculpins
Seven batters not bunting
Six taken off of the Batter’s Eye
ALL THE FIFTH OUTFIELDERS!
Four healthy starting pitchers
Three All-Star Game selections
Two well-organized Beerfests
And a decision on Chase Headley

On the twelfth day of Christmas
The Padres gave to me:
Twelve cups of iced coffee
Eleven 2014 postseason wins
Ten Denorfias diving
Nine Padres on the field wearing brown
Eight dollar Sculpins
Seven batters not bunting
Six taken off of the Batter’s Eye
ALL THE FIFTH OUTFIELDERS!
Four healthy starting pitchers
Three All-Star Game selections
Two well-organized Beerfests

And a decision on Chase Headley

**Assuming they win the NL West, 3 wins in Division Series + 4 in NLCS + 4 in World Series = 11. 12 if they get a Wild Card and have to win that stupid play-in game.

*****

*****

Big thanks to everyone who submitted ideas on Twitter, some of which I already had. And a lot of which I didn’t use, mostly because there were only 12 spots.

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