Crowdsourcing is the latest fad in seemingly every endeavor.  From Kickstarter to Storify, it seems gathering money or ideas from others and using it for your own benefit has become commonplace.

I’m not immune.  Occasionally I use it to figure out topics to write about that you people would like to read.  This is one of those occasions.  That I chose something to write about, not necessarily that you would like to read.

In Episode 13 of the Padres And Pints podcast, Rick revealed he was drinking not the standard beer, but rather Cran-Grape juice.  This caused a certain degree of ridicule from me some.  So, of course, when I decided to take suggestions for topics, Rick decided to get back at me us a little bit.

Here’s the thing:  I have little to no shame.  And I’m a little desperate to write about something Padres-related.  Challenge accepted.

I started with the Padres depth chart, as pictured below, and went from there.

depthchart

Screengrab courtesy of padres.com

Starting Pitchers

Andrew Cashner, Langers Cranberry Blood Orange Juice Cocktail

Cranberry juice is the color of blood.  Blood oranges have blood in their name.  Like the blood that flows from a freshly killed deer before it is dressed.  Or from the knife wound received on the hand from a friend who was trying to dress that freshly killed deer.

Tyson Ross, Welch’s Chillers Strawberry Kiwi

Ross just seems to let nothing bother him.  In other words, he’s chill.

Ian Kennedy, Ruby Red Grapefruit Juice

Kennedy’s beard screams Ruby Red grapefruit.

Odrisamer Despaigne, Orange Juice

OD is so close to OJ and I couldn’t come up with a better one.

Robbie Erlin, Lipton Raspberry Iced Tea

Robbie.  Raspberry.  Easy enough.  However, raspberry is horrible as a standalone juice.  You have to mix it with something.  Enter the iced tea.

Catcher

Yasmani Grandal, Papaya Juice

A little research (re: Google) reveals that papaya juice is very popular among Cuban-Americans in Florida.

Rene Rivera, Langers Pineapple Coconut Juice

Piña Coladas are very popular in Puerto Rico, Rivera’s birthplace.  But, since we’re not talking about alcoholic drinks here, I’m just going with the non-alcoholic equivalent.

First Base

Yonder Alonso, Guanabana Juice

I have no idea what guanabana tastes like, because I’m not latino.  But it appears to also be popular among Cuban-Americans.  So I’ll just continue with the stereotypes.  I’m not proud of this at all.

Tommy Medica, V8

Medica just seems like a V8-type of guy.

Jake Goebbert, Pumpkin Spice Latte

I know.  Too easy.

Second Base

Jedd Gyorko, Red Bull Energy Drink

Wild North American ginseng is one of the most highly exported agricultural products from West Virginia.  Ginseng is a key ingredient in energy drinks.  There you go.

Shortstop

Everth Cabrera, Cannabis Juice

C’mon, you know I had to go there.

HIgh-Juice

Alexi Amarista, Prune Juice

Prune juice tastes horrendous, but it’s supposedly good for what ails you.  Right now, Cabrera ails the Padres.  Amarista is horrendous, but he is better than nothing, much like prune juice.

Third Base

Yangervis Solarte, Sunny D

Get it?  Solarte?  Solar?  Sunny?

Moving on.

Left Field

Carlos QuentinAguas Frescas

He’s originally from Chula Vista.  He really likes eating at Lolita’s.  And there’s really no juice drink I can think of that describes a broken-down player to the degree I need for this comparison.

Center Field

Cameron Maybin, Tomato Juice

Maybin is from North Carolina, where tobacco is pretty much the entire agricultural component of their economy.  I wanted to say tobacco juice, but tobacco juice is actually an insecticide, which is just bad.  Not to mention gross to even think about.  Then I thought about saying tomacco juice.

“What is ‘tomacco?'” you’re probably asking.

So why not just use tomato juice instead.

Will Venable, Pear Cider

Pears are harvested in August, September, and October in San Diego, according to the San Diego Farm Bureau’s harvest calendar.  Perfect.

Right Field

Seth Smith, Welch’s Essentials Grape Juice Cocktail

Smith is the Final Piece.  He’s essential.  Especially so long as Quentin is on this team.

Bullpen

Joaquin Benoit, Langers Mongo Mango Juice

The phrase “Mongo Mango” rolls off the tongue almost as smoothly as “Joaquin Benoit.”  And that has to count for something.

Nick Vincent, Apple Cider

I don’t know if you know this, given that they hardly ever mentioned it on the Fox Sports San Diego broadcasts, but Vincent grew up in Ramona.  Ramona is the pit stop on the way to Julian, San Diego’s home of apple pie and apple cider.

vincent

Kevin Quackenbush, Cranberry Pomegranate Juice Blend

Like Quackenbush, the word “pomegranate” is fun to say.

Blaine Boyer, Boysenberry Juice

What else would I choose?

Alex Torres, Coconut Water

Coconuts are hard.  Torres’ wears a helmet when he pitches.  No-brainer.

Dale Thayer, Date Shake

I’ll be honest, I’m starting to run out of ideas.

Bench

Cory Spangenberg/Tommy Medica/Abraham Almonte,  Fruit Punch

Fruit punch is made with a whole bunch of different fruits, much like Spangenberg. Medica, and Almonte play a whole bunch of positions in Bud Black’s lineups.  Speaking of which…

Bud Black, Coffee

Get those fancy fufu juices out of here.  Buddy is not going for anything fancy.  Just give him a black coffee.  Had to figure out some way to stay awake during the Padres at-bats in 2014, after all.  Because that offense put everyone to sleep.

 

Have a better idea than what I came up with?  Leave it in the comments or tweet it at me using #PadresAndPuree.  Otherwise, how will I see it?


I write something for Padres Public just about every week (during the season) and usually on Wednesday morning. Since you’re likely already following me on Twitter, tell your friends, family, and well-wishers to follow me.

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  • ballybunion

    Regarding Padres hitters, it’s unfortunate you ruled out an alcoholic component. I watched nearly every Padres game last year. It couldn’t hurt.