Crowdsourcing is the latest fad in seemingly every endeavor. From Kickstarter to Storify, it seems gathering money or ideas from others and using it for your own benefit has become commonplace.
I’m not immune. Occasionally I use it to figure out topics to write about that you people would like to read. This is one of those occasions. That I chose something to write about, not necessarily that you would like to read.
In Episode 13 of the Padres And Pints podcast, Rick revealed he was drinking not the standard beer, but rather Cran-Grape juice. This caused a certain degree of ridicule from
me some. So, of course, when I decided to take suggestions for topics, Rick decided to get back at me us a little bit.
— RJ's Fro (@RJsFro) November 15, 2014
Here’s the thing: I have little to no shame. And I’m a little desperate to write about something Padres-related. Challenge accepted.
I started with the Padres depth chart, as pictured below, and went from there.
Andrew Cashner, Langers Cranberry Blood Orange Juice Cocktail
Cranberry juice is the color of blood. Blood oranges have blood in their name. Like the blood that flows from a freshly killed deer before it is dressed. Or from the knife wound received on the hand from a friend who was trying to dress that freshly killed deer.
Tyson Ross, Welch’s Chillers Strawberry Kiwi
Ross just seems to let nothing bother him. In other words, he’s chill.
Ian Kennedy, Ruby Red Grapefruit Juice
Kennedy’s beard screams Ruby Red grapefruit.
Odrisamer Despaigne, Orange Juice
OD is so close to OJ and I couldn’t come up with a better one.
Robbie Erlin, Lipton Raspberry Iced Tea
Robbie. Raspberry. Easy enough. However, raspberry is horrible as a standalone juice. You have to mix it with something. Enter the iced tea.
Yasmani Grandal, Papaya Juice
A little research (re: Google) reveals that papaya juice is very popular among Cuban-Americans in Florida.
Rene Rivera, Langers Pineapple Coconut Juice
Piña Coladas are very popular in Puerto Rico, Rivera’s birthplace. But, since we’re not talking about alcoholic drinks here, I’m just going with the non-alcoholic equivalent.
Yonder Alonso, Guanabana Juice
I have no idea what guanabana tastes like, because I’m not latino. But it appears to also be popular among Cuban-Americans. So I’ll just continue with the stereotypes. I’m not proud of this at all.
Tommy Medica, V8
Medica just seems like a V8-type of guy.
Jake Goebbert, Pumpkin Spice Latte
I know. Too easy.
Jedd Gyorko, Red Bull Energy Drink
Wild North American ginseng is one of the most highly exported agricultural products from West Virginia. Ginseng is a key ingredient in energy drinks. There you go.
Everth Cabrera, Cannabis Juice
C’mon, you know I had to go there.
Alexi Amarista, Prune Juice
Prune juice tastes horrendous, but it’s supposedly good for what ails you. Right now, Cabrera ails the Padres. Amarista is horrendous, but he is better than nothing, much like prune juice.
Yangervis Solarte, Sunny D
Get it? Solarte? Solar? Sunny?
He’s originally from Chula Vista. He really likes eating at Lolita’s. And there’s really no juice drink I can think of that describes a broken-down player to the degree I need for this comparison.
@GhostofRAK Quentin = Banana/Strawberry juice. They bruise and go bad easily.
— Dexter Lacsa (@dexterlacsa) November 17, 2014
Cameron Maybin, Tomato Juice
Maybin is from North Carolina, where tobacco is pretty much the entire agricultural component of their economy. I wanted to say tobacco juice, but tobacco juice is actually an insecticide, which is just bad. Not to mention gross to even think about. Then I thought about saying tomacco juice.
“What is ‘tomacco?'” you’re probably asking.
So why not just use tomato juice instead.
Will Venable, Pear Cider
Pears are harvested in August, September, and October in San Diego, according to the San Diego Farm Bureau’s harvest calendar. Perfect.
Seth Smith, Welch’s Essentials Grape Juice Cocktail
Smith is the Final Piece. He’s essential. Especially so long as Quentin is on this team.
Joaquin Benoit, Langers Mongo Mango Juice
The phrase “Mongo Mango” rolls off the tongue almost as smoothly as “Joaquin Benoit.” And that has to count for something.
Nick Vincent, Apple Cider
I don’t know if you know this, given that they hardly ever mentioned it on the Fox Sports San Diego broadcasts, but Vincent grew up in Ramona. Ramona is the pit stop on the way to Julian, San Diego’s home of apple pie and apple cider.
Kevin Quackenbush, Cranberry Pomegranate Juice Blend
Like Quackenbush, the word “pomegranate” is fun to say.
Blaine Boyer, Boysenberry Juice
What else would I choose?
Alex Torres, Coconut Water
Coconuts are hard. Torres’ wears a helmet when he pitches. No-brainer.
I’ll be honest, I’m starting to run out of ideas.
Cory Spangenberg/Tommy Medica/Abraham Almonte, Fruit Punch
Fruit punch is made with a whole bunch of different fruits, much like Spangenberg. Medica, and Almonte play a whole bunch of positions in Bud Black’s lineups. Speaking of which…
Bud Black, Coffee
Get those fancy fufu juices out of here. Buddy is not going for anything fancy. Just give him a black coffee. Had to figure out some way to stay awake during the Padres at-bats in 2014, after all. Because that offense put everyone to sleep.
Have a better idea than what I came up with? Leave it in the comments or tweet it at me using #PadresAndPuree. Otherwise, how will I see it?
I write something for Padres Public just about every week (during the season) and usually on Wednesday morning. Since you’re likely already following me on Twitter, tell your friends, family, and well-wishers to follow me.