So, I was sitting around the other day minding my own business, complaining about the lack of Padres offense, when I heard a knock on my door. I got up to see who it was, and there in my doorway was none other than Dave “Doc” Roberts, current Padres bench coach.
But, he looked different to me. He had white hair coming from underneath his Padres hat. And he looked older.
“Ghost, you have to come with me,” he exclaimed.
“What? Where? What’s going on?” To say I was confused was an understatement. “But first of all, how did you know where I live?”
“Look, I don’t have time to explain everything. I’m actually from the future. And I have to show you what happens thanks to the Vedder Cup so you can warn everyone. Because it’s going to get much worse than any of us could have ever imagined. So get your ass in the DeLorean.” Roberts then pulled out a gun, “Now.”
The following is a timeline of moments in the Vedder Cup’s future that have yet to take place over the next few years. Doc Roberts showed me all of these events in our future — at gunpoint, mind you — in an attempt to circumvent the eventual revolt of fans that destroys both PETCO Park and Safeco Field in 2025. Many lives will be lost if something isn’t done to stop these events from happening.
The Padres lose the Vedder Cup to the Mariners thanks in part to Josh Johnson‘s perfect game in the first matchup of the season between the two teams. After the Padres paid Johnson $12 million to not pitch in 2014-2015, he signs with the Mariners for the 2016 season at just above the league minimum late in Spring Training.
“I don’t need the money,” Johnson says at the time of signing. “I made plenty off of the Padres the last two years.”
Josh Byrnes, wholly embarrassed, resigns as general manager by pouring out his entire iced coffee in Ron Fowler’s lap.
After losing the Vedder Cup again this year after Alexi Amarista misplays a ball in center field, the Padres finally fire Bud Black, making Dave Roberts the manager. However, Roberts names Black as his bench coach, resulting in three monks from the Right Field Mission (Dancing Friar, Luigi, and the Gorilla) going on killing sprees.
Black leaves the Padres at the end of the season to take an assistant general manager position with the Chicago Cubs.
After the unfortunate incidents surrounding the previous year’s Vedder Cup, the Padres win back the Cup after new shortstop Trea Turner turns a game-ending double play on a relay from third baseman Jedd Gyorko.
After losing the Vedder Cup in a sweep at the hands of the Mariners, Jesse Agler and Randy Jones get into a heated exchange on Padres Social Hour. Despite Bill Center’s attempt at peacemaking, Jones knocks Agler out live on the air with one punch. But Agler and Jones are back hosting the show the next day as if nothing happened, with the exception of the shiner around Agler’s eye.
The Padres take back the Vedder Cup thanks to a pinch-hit grand slam by newly called-up shortstop Johnny Manziel in the season’s final game against the Mariners. Manziel’s career with the Cleveland Browns turns out to be an injury-plagued one, so he retires and takes his talents to Pacific Beach after the 2018 NFL season.
Manziel would never hit another home run in his short baseball career, which was over by the end of 2021, nearly all of it as a pinch hitter. However, Padres President Mike Dee has his number 2 retired. Attendance at the game honoring that accomplishment is very poorly attended, with less than 10,000 tickets sold, leading to Dee’s eventual resignation.
Ron Fowler once again makes himself interim CEO/President. His first act is to cancel all the Padres Beerfests and attempts to change the name associated with the now retired number 2 as belonging to Damian Jackson, to the great consternation of Padres fans. A grassroots movement to either have the number 2 taken down off the wall or change the name associated with it to Alan Wiggins falls well short, as the so-called “vocal minority” is mostly the same people who still are clamoring for brown uniforms after all these years.
Meanwhile, the Padres win the Vedder Cup for the second year in a row after a game-winning home run by right fielder Hunter Renfroe, well on his way to coming in second in the home run race to Carlos Quentin of the Pittsburgh Pirates, whose career was revived once the National League adopted the designated hitter in 2018.
The Padres and Mariners tie their season series every single year in these three years. The trophy remains in San Diego, per Vedder Cup regulations. Mariners fans try an unsuccessful raid on PETCO Park in an attempt to get the Cup back and hold it for ransom. Three Mariners fans are injured and one dies after the Swinging Friar and the Pad Squad launch a counter-offensive at the Mariners fans’ hotel, the Hard Rock San Diego.
After tying the Vedder Cup series yet again, Padres and Mariners fans start to riot. Chants of “We Don’t Care” and “We’re Sick of This S**t” are shouted in both cities. In an attempt to quell the rioters, the Vedder Cup’s namesake, former Pearl Jam lead singer Eddie Vedder, goes on television to plead for calm from both fan bases. However, the two Geoff’s from Padres Public discover that his broadcast is coming from the 10News studio in San Diego and both tweet that fact out. The studio is destroyed by a mob of flannel shirt-wearing Pearl Jam fans. Vedder barely makes it out alive after 10News sports director emeritus Ben Higgins calls in Sky 10 for an evac.
In the ensuing chaos, PETCO Park and Safeco Field are both destroyed after the National Guard is called in and their commanding officer, General Upgrades, orders a airstrike on both stadiums.
So, there you have it. Pretty scary, isn’t it? I hope that, with the knowledge of what may happen, we can change at least some of the outcomes.
Then again, I may have just dreamed up the entire thing.
I write something for Padres Public just about every week and usually on Wednesday morning. Since you’re likely already following me on Twitter, tell your friends, family, and well-wishers to follow me.