[In a conference room deep inside the Petco Park offices, A.J. Preller, Ron Fowler, Peter Seidler, and Andy Green are holding Green’s employee performance review following the 2017 season, Green’s second season as Padres manager.]
Peter Seidler: Thanks for coming in, Andy. As you know, this meeting is a chance to go over what happened this season. Just so we can take a look at what we did that went right and what we did that could use improvement, tweaking, or flat-out elimination in the future.
Andy Green: Thanks for the opportunity.
Ron Fowler: I’m very disappointed in our record. I feel we should have won more games.
Seidler: Hang on, Ron. We’re not here to talk about that. This is just a discussion of the process. The purpose of this is figuring out what can we all do better going forward, with the end goal of getting to and winning the World Series.
A.J. Preller: Anybody want some pancakes? I could really go for a Grand Slam.
Seidler: Focus, A.J. We can send out for pizza later. Can we continue? So, Andy, what would you say you did that you can say worked really well with this year’s team.
Green: Well, I think this team’s chi is really coming into alignment. Hiring that feng shui expert to rearrange the clubhouse locker assignments seemed to help tremendously. And, I’m not sure if this is the time to bring this up, but I still haven’t been reimbursed for that.
Fowler: I’m not paying for that.
Seidler: Hang on, Ron. We’ll get to that.
Green: Seriously, it’s been seven months since I put in that invoice. What’s taking so long?”
Fowler: A lot of fans tell me they don’t like feng shui.
Fowler: We have research and everything.
Seidler: I think we’re getting off-topic here.
[Preller suddenly gets up and heads for the door]
Preller: I have to go. My spidey sense is telling me there’s a 15-year old in Costa Rica that can throw 95 mph.
Seidler: Come back here and sit down, A.J. I’ve locked the doors and posted a guard outside so that no one leaves until I do. Sorry, Andy, I had a feeling this would happen.
Fowler: I’m not paying for that.
Green: I’m getting a strange sensation of negativity from the room. We should all go get some herbal tea and discuss our feelings.
Preller: Denny’s has raspberry iced tea.
Fowler [standing]: Your treat?
Seidler: Ron, A.J., sit down. I told you, no one is going anywhere. This exit interview is very important and you’re not helping.
Green: The dynamics of this room are all wrong. The negative energy is stifling. We should get a shaman to come in here.
Fowler: Sounds expensive.
Green: I mean, I could do it. While with the Diamondbacks, I spent time in the Arizona desert with the Hopi.
Seidler: Yes, you told us that when we interviewed you for the job in 2015. I don’t see how–
Fowler: And we hired you anyway. I could have done your job and Preller’s for half the money, not including travel. [glares at Preller]
Preller: I’m heading to Guatemala tomorrow to scout a Q’eqchi tribesman who can catch anything thrown his way.
Fowler: See what I mean?
Seidler: Let’s get back on topic here, shall we? What do you see as the biggest issue we need to work on to help you make this team successful?
Fowler: A payroll cut.
Preller: More 14-year old pitchers from the jungles of the Amazon River.
Seidler: All of these questions are for Andy, guys. Unless you hear your name, shut up. Andy?
Green: A sweat lodge.
Seidler: What? Okay, I’ll bite. You mean like a sauna?
Green: No, an actual sweat lodge.
Seidler: I don’t think that’s feasi–
Green: I can build it in the home bullpen. I bought the plans off of an Arapaho healer I met in Oklahoma. It’s really easy to construct and would only cost–
Fowler: Too much.
Seidler: Ron, what did I just say about shutting up?
Fowler: I heard my name.
Preller: So did I.
Seidler: No one said your names! You know what? Let’s just forget doing this. We’re bringing you back, Andy, obviously, given that we just gave you that extension. I, for one, think you’re doing a good job with what you’ve been given as far as player personnel. So let’s just end this and get on with our days, alright?
Preller [excited]: Grand Slams for everyone! You guys are buying.
Fowler: Goddammit, I’m not paying for that.
Green: Do they have organic vegan pancakes there?
[Seidler sighs and places palm of his hand over his face]