10 Things You Probably Didn’t Know About Matt Kemp…Because I Made Them Up

"<strongMatt Kemp, the new Padres right fielder, was acquired this offseason by GM A.J. Preller after much wheeling, dealing, and laptop shopping.

Inspired by a new Friarwire feature by Bill Center, here are 10 things you probably didn’t know about Kemp. And you didn’t know them because they are totally not true. I completely made them up. If you believe that they could be true facts, that’s your problem. Because as far as I know — I did not do any research — they are not remotely true in the least.


  • Before signing as a sixth-round pick of the Dodgers in 2003, he was offered a contract with Ringling Brothers and Barnum & Bailey Circus … as a trapeze artist.
  • He competed in the 2011 Fourth of July Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Contest during a series against the New York Mets, finishing 25th out of 25.
  • Kemp was the original star of Mike Tyson Mysteries on Cartoon Network’s Adult Swim, which was originally going to be named Matt Kemp Mysteries, obviously.
  • He was honored by most of the men in the free world for dating Rihanna. And later had that honor revoked when he dated Khloe Kardashian.
  • Two should be Kemp’s lucky number. The two-time National League All-Star (2011, 2012) also has two pools (outdoor, indoor) and two two-car garages at his house in Rancho Santa Fe.
  • Kemp hit a bird, an unmanned drone, a car windshield, a groundskeeper, and Buddy Black during his first batting practice session of Spring Training with the Padres.
  • He has a license to kill issued by the Kingdom of Tonga.
  • In 2011, Kemp became the first Dodger since Dolph Camilli in 1941 to get anyone to remember and mention former Dodger Dolph Camilli.
  • Also in 2011, Kemp became the first Major League Baseball player to successfully communicate with life on another planet.
  • A native of Midwest City, Oklahoma, Kemp has absolutely no connection whatsoever with my hometown of Cranston, Rhode Island.

There you have it. 10 completely made up things about Matt Kemp. Again, if you believe that any of them are even remotely true, it’s purely coincidental.


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  • ballybunion

    I think there’s a wild chance you could have nailed two or three of them, sort of, or at least earn partial credit. If so, you’re a regular Nostradamus, and have enough “hits”, using psychic accounting practices, to merit an 800 psychic line. You might want to look into that as a fallback, in case the padrespublic gig doesn’t work out. Very entertaining!