10 Things You Probably Didn’t Know About Justin Upton…Because I Made Them Up


“Um, guys? I don’t think this jersey is in my size.”

Justin Upton, the new left fielder and projected cleanup hitter for the Padres, was acquired via trade by “Rockstar GM” A.J. Preller in one of many moves to improve the anemic Friars offense of last season.

Inspired by a new Friarwire feature by Bill Center, here are ten things you probably didn’t know about Upton. And you didn’t know them because they are totally not true. I completely made them up. If you believe that they could be even remotely factual, that’s your problem. Because as far as I know — I did no research — they are not at all.

  • Justin is projected to have so many “Upton here, Upton here” fan tweets in reaction to his home runs that Twitter is adding two additional servers to handle the extra web traffic just in time for Opening Day.
  • Upton lost his first tooth in 2014, receiving a dollar from the Tooth Fairy.
  • “A Million Little Pieces” author James Frey once met Upton at a party hosted by Oprah Winfrey.
  • Justin was the first overall pick of the 2005 draft by the Arizona Diamondbacks. That same year, “Million Dollar Baby” won the Oscar® for Best Picture and “Spamalot” won the Tony Award® for Best Musical. Both were inspired by events in Upton’s life.
  • The Uptons are the only set of brothers in Major League history. Ever.
  • Justin’s 10 career homers are tied for the most by a visiting player in Petco Park history. (This is a true fact. I was unable to think of anything to top it.)
  • While with Arizona in 2011, Upton finished eating 12 Sonoran Hot Dogs in one sitting, losing a bet with Xavier Nady, who ate 15.
  • Upton is a two-time Roshambo World Champion.
  • Upton has a white Siberian tiger named Cuddles.
  • Over the past six seasons, Upton has not paid for a single song on iTunes and/or Google Play.

There you have it. Ten completely made up things about Justin Upton. Again, if you believe that any of them are even remotely true, it’s purely coincidental.

I write something for Padres Public just about every week (during the season) and usually on Wednesday morning.  Since you’re likely already following me on Twitter, tell your friends, family, and well-wishers to follow me.  Give CornfedFriar a follow while you’re at it.

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