10 Things You Probably Didn’t Know About James Shields…Because I Made Them Up

james-shieldsJames Shields, the new anchor of the Padres starting rotation, was arguably this offseason’s biggest acquisition by “Rockstar GM” A.J. Preller.

Inspired by a new Friarwire feature by Bill Center, here are 10 things you probably didn’t know about Shields. And you didn’t know them because they are totally not true. I completely made them up. If you believe that they could be even remotely factual, that’s your problem. Because as far as I know — I did no research — they are not at all.

  • He is rumored to be participating in WWE Wrestlemania XXXI, using the wrestling handle of The Flying Spaghetti Monster.
  • Shields has had 4,765 nose picks recorded while on the mound, the fifth-highest total ever by a right-handed pitcher.
  • He has been the most Google-searched person named Shields since Brooke Shields in 1980.
  • Shields leads all Major League pitchers with 8,987 pieces of gum chewed since 2007.
  • Has played In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida by Iron Butterfly on a ukulele live in the clubhouse before each start in each of the last eight seasons.
  • Shields was Tampa Bay’s nominee for the MLB Mr Tight Buns competition from 2009-11. He never won.
  • Shields has won more games of World of Warcraft on the road (5) than at home (4) during his career. His 26th-level paladin is only topped by Max Scherzer‘s 28th-level dwarf amongst Major League Baseball pitchers.
  • During the off-season, Shields volunteers at multiple Civil War battle reenactments as a Union Army colonel.
  • In addition to finishing third in the 2011 voting for the American League Cy Young Award voting, he finished in 23rd place at the Westminster Dog Show while entering the competition as a shih tzu.
  • Shields only agreed to sign with San Diego after being assured by Peter Seidler and Ron Fowler in-person that the Padres are going to bring back the brown uniforms before his contract runs out.

There you have it. Ten completely made up things about James Shields. Again, if you believe that any of them are even remotely true, it’s purely coincidental.

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