With the World Series upon us, Padres fans can’t help but dream: What does our team need to do to make it to the top? This is an exciting question, one that will undoubtedly fuel our conversations through the fall and winter months.

My internet-friend, Mickey Koke, suggested the following just the other day:

Giancarlo Stanton patrolling right field at Petco Park is something any Padres fan can dream on through the winter months. Stanton is young (not yet 24), talented (14.8 career WAR), cheap ($537K), controllable (through 2017) and ridiculously good looking (ridiculously) – he’s the total package.

However, because Giancarlo Stanton is the total package, our dream would quickly devolve into a nightmare.

To obtain the rights to Giancarlo Stanton the first thing the Padres would need to surrender is #1 prospect Austin Hedges.

The Austin Hedges written about by the Vocal Minority’s Nate on Monday – gone forever. The Austin Hedges described as an 80 grade defender behind the plate for years to come by Padres Prospects on Tuesday – congratulations, bye-bye. The Austin Hedges salivated upon by Baseball Prospectus’ Jason Parks as a potential vacation date to the mountains of Mexico on the most recent Padres and Pints – yeah, you get the picture.

But it wouldn’t just take Austin Hedges going east to make such a trade happen – it would only begin with Hedges. This is how I see such a trade materializing.

The Padres would also need to package either their system’s #3 prospect (LHP Max Fried) or #8 prospect (RHP Matt Wisler) and only then would the terms of the trade begin to get crazy:

Yonder Alonso: Alonso’s Cuban heritage and Miami roots would play well in a Marlins uniform and it would fill a void at first base where Logan Morrison’s only true tool is twitter humor.

Eric Owens copyrights: All of the faux-dirt-stained give away t-shirts issued to commemorate the former hustling Padre would need to be collected and returned to Tony Gwynn Drive to be destroyed. Eric Owens would immediately receive induction into the Marlins Pantheon of Gritty Players, acknowledged through the issue of an orange faux-dirt-stained give away t-shirt.

Cuban Sandwiches: San Diego would receive a cease and desist order on the sale of carne asada at all local outlets and taco shops. The resulting carne asada vacuum would be filled with a taste of Miami: The Cuban sandwich. The Cubano is a fantastic taste of life but the loss of carne asada could be the piece of grilled meat that broke the camel’s back, or, something like that.

Mark Kotsay: Kotsay would be sent to Florida where he would enter the coaching ranks with the team that drafted him out of Cal State Fullerton in 1996. Mark Kotsay’s wife Jaime would be required in the deal as would all Kotsay tacos still remaining from the 2013 season. The Kotsay children would stay in San Diego.

Miami Sound Machine: The music of Miami Sound Machine would be played exclusively, and in perpetuity, inside all Petco Park restrooms. An option would vest in 2015 whereupon the legendary ’80s music would become mandatory after home Padres wins thus replacing Pennywise’s Bro Hymn.

Breakfasttown: San Diego would officially release all rights to the moniker created by former club CEO, Tom Garfinkel. The slogan would be remanded to its rightful creator, Mr. Garfinkel, at Miami Dolphins headquarters so that he could utilize as he sees fit.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Breakfasttown?

Prospect rankings courtesy of the Baseball Prospectus 2013 Futures Guide.


I contribute to Padres Public on Thursday mornings and when I’m feeling particularly inspired. I can also be found on twitter at @AvengingJM. The dusty archives of AJM are located at avengingjm.blogspot.com

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