I don’t feel particularly motivated to write about the Padres this week because there’s only so many times I can call Will Middlebrooks trash. It’s exhausting and repetitive, and I’m sure he’s a wonderful person who doesn’t deserve it.
What I really want to do is talk about True Detective and all the shit that’s gone down this season. If you don’t watch True Detective, what the fuck? I thought we were cool. Just leave, and don’t come back until you’re ready. I know this isn’t True Detective Public, but fuck it. To satisfy everyone, I’ll compare each character from TD to a current Padres player. Let’s get really weird.
Warning there are major spoilers ahead, so if you’re not caught up leave now. Actually, keep reading. I don’t care.
SO IS VELCORO DEAD? No. He can’t be, right? Motherfucker took two slugs to the stomach from close range from Birdman. I don’t know why I get the feeling that it was Frank who set him up. But then that wouldn’t make sense. Really that’s the essence of the show this season. THIS DOESN’T MAKE ANY FUCKING SENSE.
Anyway, I don’t think our totally fucked maniac hero is dead. First off, you can’t kill your lead character two episodes in. Even Game of Thrones waited until the end of the first season to kill Ned Stark. Second, who fuck else is make this shit worth watching? Is Taylor Kitsch going to do anything as hilarious as compare vaping to sucking a robot’s dick? Hell no. And that line about being a feminist? LOL. I took a look at the first trailer, because I am a loser. Check out who’s ready to beat some motherfucking 12 year olds to death around the 37 second mark.
Padres comp: Derek Norris
Vince Vaughn’s been a fucking train wreck. He’s having a harder time reading off creator Nic Pizzolatto’s lines than Floyd Mayweather does reading anything. That monologue about his dad locking him in the basement with all the rats and stuff should’ve been some bone chilling shit. Instead it was more like “well dude maybe next time you’ll learn.” I don’t care about this guy or his shitty financial investments.
Padres comp: Matt Kemp (h/t Pog Lankford)
You’d think a hardcore porn addict detective who vapes and is the daughter of a cult leader would do more interesting shit, but nah. I’ll give Ani a break, tho. Have you seen all those fucking knives? She’s gonna use them at some point this season to cut a motherfucker up and it’s going to be awesome. I just hope the show finds her a man who knows what he’s doing. No question she has a high ceiling, I just hope she reaches it before the season completely goes to hell.
Padres comp: A.J. Preller
Ugh I guess I have to talk about Kitsch. What’s his character’s name again? You know what, it doesn’t matter. Every scene with him feels like a massive waste of time. Like hurry up with your moodiness I have a show to watch. Sooner or later they’re going to have to show us what kind of fucked up things he did that made him the way he is. Until then we just have to hope he does more dope shit on his bike while accepting free blow jobs from movie stars.
Padres comp: Will Middlebrooks
One last note: fuuuuuuuuuuck the song for the opening credits for this season. Last season’s song was legit one of the best reasons to watch the show. It’s so perfect and sexy. The new one doesn’t feel sexy. It feels forced and disjointed, like Buddy Black trying to fill out a lineup.