As my ex-girlfriend would say, let’s just get this over with.
- It really sucks that I’m not an Astros fan, because then I would have SO MUCH to talk about, like Carlos Correa and Lance McCullers and George Springer and a bunch of randoms. No, instead I’m stuck with the Padres. The same middling, painfully average Padres team that’s a bigger dick tease than any Star Wars trailer. This team sucks, then shows signs of life, then gets shut out, then fires someone, then gives us a meme we (I) run into the ground, because there’s literally nothing else to talk about, because we’ve been talking and writing and complaining about the same shit all season. The defense sucks? We already knew that, asshole! The pitching hasn’t met expectations? That’s probably the defense’s fault (and Andrew Cashner’s). Let’s see, what else. Oh, the lineups, which apparently Murph doesn’t even fill out himself? Which seems odd considering that’s a pretty important aspect of the game you’re leaving to a group of stooges who are probably only employed because they were your predecessor’s buddy (PUN INTENDED, MOTHERFUCKER). BTW, I’m not convinced Murph doesn’t fill out the lineup himself, mainly because he can’t be that stupid. Or maybe he is! Who gives a fuck! This is a very lengthy bullet and I’m not even sure what I’m trying to say. Baseball sucks. Death is imminent.
- Speaking of lineups, there are only two Padres who should never, under any circumstances, ever be benched: JUpton and Yonder. Everyone else is fair game.
- What the fuck is this team thinking with Derek Norris? His OBP is now under .300, and his June numbers are uglier than their draft history. He won’t make it to August at this pace. I have no idea what their plan is for Austin Hedges. He’s wasting away on the bench instead of getting regular at-bats that he desperately needs. If they have such little faith in him bring in someone else. Or wait until Norris is in a boot or sling or worse.
- The Middlebrooks and Solarte experiments are adorable, like when you’re trying on a pair of suits your girlfriend picked out but they’re so fucking hideous you’d rather just end the relationship. End this ratchet charade and call-up Gyorko. BTW remember when people said the Chase Headley deal was looking good for the Padres because of one fluky April by Solarte? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA (Headley hasn’t been good this year, but shut up).
- I’d like to join the Brandon Maurer Club. Where do I sign? Is there some sort of blood oath we have to take, because I am down. Give me more Maurer.
- The worst part about of this season is not being able to make fun of the Diamondbacks. I really, really like making fun of the D-Backs, and the Padres have taken that away from me. I’ll never forgive them.
- This is probably a terrible thing to say, but I’d rather Kemp be a massive asshole and put up all-star numbers than the other way around. Trying hard and having a great attitude ain’t gonna win you shit (see: every Padres team of the last 10 years).
- I’m not ready to start thinking about possible JUpton trade scenarios yet. I’m just gonna enjoy watching him play for as long as he’s here.