Ramblings: Austin Hedges Completes Me

  • HEDGES!!!!!!! oh my god oh my god oh my god it’s happening. .345/.415/.586 THREE FORTY FIVE FOUR FIFTEEN FIVE EIGHTY SIX. More walks (7) than strikeouts (6). “But it’s only been 65 plate appearances,” said the joyless sap. Fuck off. “Small sample size.” Eat me. I bet you give away toothbrushes on Halloween too. Did anybody ever question why they got a king-sized Snickers on Halloween with the rest of their shitty candy? Fuck no! You put your balls on the table and bragged about having the best candy to your friends. You didn’t question its validity or return it to the person who gave it to you. You saved it for last, then ate it while regretting your life choices. That is unless you were AJ Preller. In that case you probably traded it for two king sized Kit-Kats and a handful of fun-sized Mr. Goodbars. Austin Hedges is our king-sized Snickers. Is this all a fluke? Shit, I don’t know. I just know it’s a lot more fun this way.
  • BTW if you didn’t like the previous analogy, well, too fucking bad.
  • Justin Upton’s walkup music should be Rihanna’s “Bitch Better Have My Money.” If Kemp were really a good teammate, he’d understand.
  • Here lies Jedd Gyorko’s Bandwagon (2013-2015). It lived a short but meaningful life, and only the strong allowed it to live as long as it did. The cause of death has not yet been determined, but it is believed to be a violent and graphic passing. It is survived by Haha1721 and RJ’s Fro. RIP.
  • Glenn Hoffman’s getting exposed. It’s like he’s seen never seen base runners before. Holy fuck has he had some tragic moments this year. I’m gonna give him a break because I don’t know his role in the clubhouse and his brother works for the organization so he’s totes not getting fired no matter what.
  • What the fuck’s up with all the dipshit base running. It’s amazing the Padres have one of the best offenses in baseball considering how many runs and scoring opportunities they’ve cost themselves with TOOTBLAN after TOOTBLAN. This isn’t a team that needs to be aggressive on the base paths. Trying to move into scoring position with your home run hitters at the plate isn’t aggressive, it’s fucking stupid and needs to end now. And for fuck’s sake someone tell Spang he’s got a history of concussions and sliding head first might not be conducive to his long-term health.
  • Hey guys did you know that this year is not last year. Real shit. I just found out. It is not last year. This year is THIS year and different from last year. We get it, the team’s better and totally nothing like last year’s and that’s good. When April ends, we’ll bury this storyline next to the Gyorko Bandwagon’s grave.
  • Is it too soon to say the pitchers hate Derek Norris? Because I think they hate Derek Norris.
  • As long as Yonder hits for a high average and gets on base, I’ll live with it. It’ll be an empty high average, with lots of bloopers juuuuuuuuust over the shortstop’s head. His 138 OPS+ is really encouraging, and I’ve been very impressed with his approach. But his defense has been shit. Maybe this is just me, but I’ve noticed he’s not putting much effort in trying to save poor throws from the infielders. Kinda lazy.
  • The Middlebrooks crowd scurried off in a fucking hurry, didn’t it?
  • Wil Myers is your incredibly intelligent and wonderful cousin who has a meth problem.

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