As my ex-girlfriend would say, let’s just get this over with.
- It really sucks that I’m not an Astros fan, because then I would have SO MUCH to talk about, like Carlos Correa and Lance McCullers and George Springer and a bunch of randoms. No, instead I’m stuck with the Padres. The same middling, painfully average Padres team that’s a bigger dick tease than any Star Wars trailer. This team sucks, then shows signs of life, then gets shut out, then fires someone, then gives us a meme we (I) run into the ground, because there’s literally nothing else to talk about, because we’ve been talking and writing and complaining about the same shit all season. The defense sucks? We already knew that, asshole! The pitching hasn’t met expectations? That’s probably the defense’s fault (and Andrew Cashner’s). Let’s see, what else. Oh, the lineups, which apparently Murph doesn’t even fill out himself? Which seems odd considering that’s a pretty important aspect of the game you’re leaving to a group of stooges who are probably only employed because they were your predecessor’s buddy (PUN INTENDED, MOTHERFUCKER). BTW, I’m not convinced Murph doesn’t fill out the lineup himself, mainly because he can’t be that stupid. Or maybe he is! Who gives a fuck! This is a very lengthy bullet and I’m not even sure what I’m trying to say. Baseball sucks. Death is imminent.
- Speaking of lineups, there are only two Padres who should never, under any circumstances, ever be benched: JUpton and Yonder. Everyone else is fair game.
- What the fuck is this team thinking with Derek Norris? His OBP is now under .300, and his June numbers are uglier than their draft history. He won’t make it to August at this pace. I have no idea what their plan is for Austin Hedges. He’s wasting away on the bench instead of getting regular at-bats that he desperately needs. If they have such little faith in him bring in someone else. Or wait until Norris is in a boot or sling or worse.
- The Middlebrooks and Solarte experiments are adorable, like when you’re trying on a pair of suits your girlfriend picked out but they’re so fucking hideous you’d rather just end the relationship. End this ratchet charade and call-up Gyorko. BTW remember when people said the Chase Headley deal was looking good for the Padres because of one fluky April by Solarte? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA (Headley hasn’t been good this year, but shut up).
- I’d like to join the Brandon Maurer Club. Where do I sign? Is there some sort of blood oath we have to take, because I am down. Give me more Maurer.
- The worst part about of this season is not being able to make fun of the Diamondbacks. I really, really like making fun of the D-Backs, and the Padres have taken that away from me. I’ll never forgive them.
- This is probably a terrible thing to say, but I’d rather Kemp be a massive asshole and put up all-star numbers than the other way around. Trying hard and having a great attitude ain’t gonna win you shit (see: every Padres team of the last 10 years).
- I’m not ready to start thinking about possible JUpton trade scenarios yet. I’m just gonna enjoy watching him play for as long as he’s here.
So, some stuff went down recently. Quite a bit of stuff, actually. Stuff that made some people angry, and others very happy. Let’s get into it.
- I would love to unleash a Bud Black take so hot that not even the White Walkers would be able to put out, but Dustin over at The Sac Bunt, as usual, wrote a terrific post on Buddy that I mostly agree with. There’s not much more that needs to be said. He had eight plus years, and even though he mostly had shitty rosters, you can still show traits of being a quality manager even with a terrible collection of talent (i.e. Joe Maddon’s early Tampa years).
- The one moment of Bud’s tenure that will always stick out and piss me off to no end happened his first year with the Padres. It was the end of the season at Milwaukee, and they had to beat the Brewers to secure a playoff spot. Instead of throwing Jake Peavy, the best goddamn pitcher on the planet at the time, on short rest, Bud saved him for a *POTENTIAL* one game playoff in Colorado. I mean what the fuck, Bud. Why not go balls out to try and avoid a single-game elimination at MOTHERFUCKING COORS FIELD. That trash Rockies team made it to the World Series and got destroyed because they were a trash team. Who knows if we would’ve beaten the Red Sox, but I liked our chances better considering we had the BEST FUCKING PITCHER ON THE PLANET AT THE TIME. Whatever I’m over it. I wish Bud the best wherever he lands.
- Wil Myers should not play again until he’s fully healthy. If he misses the rest of the season, so be it. He’s way too important to dick around with. BTW, was Bud authorized to take Myers off the DL? I’ve always assumed that was the GM’s call, after consulting with doctors of course. Whoever gave the OK fucked up big time.
- Basically what I want from Pat Murphy is for the bunting to end and for him to not bury young players for no goddamn reason. If he does that and gives me ideas for lame jokes on Twitter then we’ll be good.
- Spang the last two weeks: .308/.349/.385 with a 117 OPS+. I get the feeling some think that wanting Gyorko to be the everyday second baseman meant wanting Spang to fail, which could not be farther from the truth. I love Spangin’ as much as the next guy. I’d Spang in public if it wasn’t a felony. If he can get on base and cause hell on the bases he’ll be a really useful player. Plus, have you seen that smile?
- If batting Melvin leadoff is gonna get him going, then I’m all for it, especially if he can still go get it in the outfield. Plus Venable’s still there (when is he fucking not?) in case MUpton reverts to Atlanta Braves MUpton.
- I’ve seen just about enough of Andrew Cashner.
- If Murph doesn’t go up to Craig Kimbrel after another blown game and asks “What’s the most you’ve ever lost in a coin toss?” then I just don’t know what AJ Preller saw in him.
- There’s been a lot hate and anger directed towards the site in recent days. Normally I wouldn’t care because the people saying these things
are shit heel dumb fucks with less baseball intelligence than a tomato are easy to ignore. But from time to time you get pulled into these long arguments that make you want to stab yourself in the face repeatedly with a rusty toothbrush go on forever. I hate those type of arguments because the people on the other end can get fucked they’re so petty. So please, in the future, leave me out of your dumb as fuck arguments. KTHXBYE.
Hello there. How are you? I don’t care. Let’s ramble:
- What in the fuck was AJ Preller wearing on draft day (night? whatever). Christ that was disgusting. I’m not gonna post it here, because I have fucking standards, but you know what I’m referring to. The hideous jacket with pants two sizes too big and shoes he stole from a hobo. This is a fucking BREAKFAST town, bro. SMH. And what the fuck was up with the creepy setup in an office Preller’s clearly never been in before? Is that where they buried Garf? Are the Moorad bobbleheads being kept there for safekeeping? ARE RON FOWLER’S FOOD STAMPS THERE? All valid and fair questions.
- I’ve paid very little attention to the draft this year, and it’s all last year’s shitty shitty fucking terrible trash garbage fuckhead Padres’ team’s fault. Nice going assholes. You cost us a first rounder, and for what? Pride? HAHAHAHAHAHA. Pride, like Andrew Cashner, is overrated as fuck. Mostly, though, I blame Preller for not maiming every Padre that got hot after he was hired. The Rockstar GM could’ve prevented this, and he did nothing but watch as Will Venable and a bunch of randoms decided the most meaningless month of the season was the right time to not be trash.
- Oh look Middlebrooks sucks again.
- Speaking of Middlebrooks, Clint Barmes is a better hitter than him right now, which is fucking hilarious.
- Frankly I don’t care who gets sent down or benched or forced onto the DL when Myers gets healthy, except for JUp <3. I’m not buying him playing second or third base, although with this org you never know.
- I’ve accepted Jedd Gyorko’s probably a goner, and that’s a real shame. I’ve made my feelings known about Gyorko and, more importantly, Bud’s treatment of Gyorko. Nothing’s changed. He’s their best option at second base, and it’s not really close.
- FSSD would find a way to defend Stannis Baratheon if he were a Padres employee.
- Fuck Stannis Baratheon.
- Oh you didn’t believe me about the truth bomb I dropped earlier on you about how Middlebrooks is more trash than Barmes? Fine. Middlebrooks OPS+: 92; Barmes: 94. Middlebrooks wRC+: 89; Barmes: 90. “But he’s barely better!” Fuck you I’m still right.
- Bud running Derek Norris into the ground as Austin Hedges plays Angry Birds on his phone on the bench is pretty cool.
- Another week of looking like a real baseball player for Matt Kemp!
- Craig Kimbrel’s pitching just well enough to not make you think he’s point shaving.
- RRRRRRRRRRR ALONSOOOOOOOOOOOO. Yonder’s definitely my favorite baseball player who can’t dress for shit and roots for a soccer club that is the equivalent of herpes. Still, as long as he gets on base I’m fine with him being our first baseman. Hey you could do worse there, like Brad Hawpe or Anthony Rizzo.
- The Brandon Morrow news sucks. It was the most predictable injury, but it’s never cool to see a guy go down, especially after he pitched so well. There’s pretty much no starting pitching depth now, so we have to hope everyone stays healthy the rest of the season. We’re fucked.
- I probably won’t be tweeting much over the next couple of weeks/months. I’ll do my best to have one of these posts up every week. Go Cavs.
Today we’re going to discuss Bud Black in great detahahahahahahahaha no we’re not. Let’s ramble:
- Jedd Gyorko needs to be playing every day. I can’t believe this is even a discussion. The offense has been absolute dog shit this month, and Gyorko, who’s hitting .277/.358/.489 with a 178 OPS+ in May, can’t get regular at-bats because of trash baseball player Will Middlebrooks and good-looking but meh baseball player Cory Spangenberg. Neither of those two guys should be playing over Gyorko. I don’t care which one sits, though at this point I’d be happy to see Middlebrooks gone altogether. Gyorko’s also the best defender of the group, which should seem like more of a priority considering the albatross this team’s been in the field. I’m worried that at this point Gyorko’s best chance for regular playing time this season is with another team.
- Look at Will Venable, playing as spry as the 25-year-old he was when we first saw him almost 39 years ago. Time flies waiting for someone to reach their ceiling, or continue being a massive dick tease. His hitting and defense have been a godsend. Holy shit that’s a disgusting sentence, but it’s the truth. All hail Will Venable, grandfather to us all.
- OK fine, since no one wants to do it, I’ll go ahead and say it: Justin Upton’s good.
- Speaking of Uptons, what of one Melvin Upton? Could he still be a useful player? Let’s take a look at his Baseball-Reference pag- OH GOD NOOOOOOOOOO. I’m not gonna pile on Melvin. I’m sure he’s gotten a lot of shit from a lot people since he signed that contract. I hope he comes back healthy and we see some semblance of the player he once was. But for now he’s in the Josh Johnson/Corey Luebke/Brandon Morrow group. Not gonna expect much from his this year, and possibly ever.
- Matt Kemp’s looked like a real baseball player the last couple games, which is nice to see.
- It’s funny how nobody talks about how much run support, or lack thereof, the starters get except when Andrew Cashner pitches. Here’s an idea, stop bringing that meaningless shit up. Nobody judges a pitcher’s performance based on his win-loss record, and if they do then you should ignore them. I had no idea what Cashner’s record was until I looked it, and then I hated myself for wasting the time it took looking up a meaningless stat when I could have been thinking about Fury Road or Huston Street. “Cashner’s snakebitten!” Why? Because he doesn’t get any wins? Fuck off. Join the rest of us in 2015.
- Speaking of Fury Road, FURY ROAD!!!!!!!
- I’m ready for Yonder and Myers to come back, or really anyone to displace Solarte at first base.
- Does Tyson Ross have the sexiest pitch on the staff? At first I would think Kimbrel’s fastball, but he’s been shit for most of the year. Cashner’s slider is sexy, but not in the way you want to invite it over to hang out; more like a backup. Ian Kennedy’s stuff has been so on-and-off, you can’t really trust it to be sexy when you need it to be. Sorry, Despaigne’s not welcome in this conversation.
- OK one very quick thing on Buddy: he’s gotta get thrown out the next time a bullshit call goes against his guys. It sounds totally stupid and unproductive, but I think it matters when the manager’s as pissed off about a bad call as his player is.
I haven’t been able to write this post the last two weeks due to a hectic schedule and for that I apologize. I realize this is a huge part of your day, no wait, your week, and I couldn’t be more disappointed in letting you down. Cry on my shoulder, it’s OK. The worst is past, and we can now move on to criticizing the shit out of professionals. Let’s Ramble.
- Something I’ve been thinking about a lot in recent days, especially with how poorly the Padres have been playing, is what exactly Bud’s role is on the team. Yes, he’s the manager, but what does he do? I don’t know, and I doubt most fans know. He’s obviously in charge of handling the clubhouse and its personalities, a job nobody can quantify. Is he good at handling people? I guess, but I don’t really know. I do know that his lineups can be confusing and infuriating. I’ve seen him cost the Padres scoring opportunities and entire games with his penchant for giving away outs and bullpen mismanagement. I’ve seen that. I don’t think firing him will accomplish much, because the person that replaces him could be worse. I do love how the narrative’s shifted to “whoa hey chill guys Bud’s not the one giving up dingers.” If nothing is his fault, why the fuck even have a manager? If you’re gonna go the “it’s all the players!” route, then spare me your “look at the job Buddy’s doing!” sentiments. You don’t want to blame him for the team’s shortcomings? Fine. But don’t give him the credit if/when they turn it around.
- As bad as Byrne’s tenure was, it could’ve been a lot worse had Andrew Cashner signed that extension. The Padres dodged a huge bullet. Preller’s probably a little disappointed. I’m sure he would’ve loved the challenge of trying to trade a number four starter with a terrible contract.
- Justin Upton is a goddamn Sentinel. Ron Fowler’s scourging through old pants trying to find any extra food stamps he can cash in. Does 7 years, $210 million get it done? Sheeeeeeiiiiiitt, we can only hope.
- Jedd Gyorko, once buried and left for dead at a cemetery where shady heroin deals go down, has scratched and clawed his way back into our lives, like Beatrix Kiddo in Kill Bill 2. He asked for a glass of water, and in return he’s delivered a .351/.400/.622 slash line in May, with a nifty 211 OPS+. JEDD FUCKING GYORKO.
- The Padres buried Will Middlebrooks’ carcass in the grave Gyorko escaped from. Middlebrooks *looks* really good. I mean, goddamn, he can pull off a uniform better than most. But it’s all for show, like a Porsche that dies if you go past 40 miles per hour. It was an experiment worth trying. Now let’s Spang and Gyork the rest of the season.
- Wil Myers 🙁
- The whole point of taking Melvin Upton’s albatross contract and giving up Cam Maybin and a good prospect and some other shit for Craig Kimbrel was that he was supposed to be automatic. Like, fools weren’t even supposed to get on base against him, much less knock him around like he was goddamn Clayton Richard. At this point I don’t trust him to close my garage door. Here’s hoping Balsley could fix him, lol.
- I miss Yonder.
- Anybody who doesn’t want Tulo is a hater and not a real Padres fan.
- I graduate college today. Don’t bother me.
Some shit went down in the last week with the Padres. By rule someone has to write about it. Let’s ramble.
Since last week’s post garnered such a positive response, I decided to make this a weekly thing. I’ll just call it ‘Ramblings’ for now until I can think of something better. Suggestions are welcome! Let’s get into it.
- Geez I didn’t think Gyorko would be phased out so early in the season, but here we are. Maybe if he were being benched in favor of a significantly better alternative I would understand, but it’s Yangervis fucking Solarte. If the Padres want to force Solarte into the lineup so badly then they should give him a shot at shortstop. It’s not like he’d be any worse than the goddamn stop sign they throw out there every night. Let Gyorko play everyday and leave him alone. “But he’s slumping!” Fuck you. Will Middlebrooks hasn’t been much better and people love that asshole. Gyorko’s also one of the Padres best defenders, but ssshhhhhhhhhh. Bat him seventh or whatever, but don’t bury him because he’s not an all-star yet.
- Dale Thayer has something on his face I can only describe as regret and sorrow. He’s going for the Stan Rizzo look, and it’s just not working. That goes for all the mountain men wannabes. Show some decency for mankind and shave the facial pubes.
- For as much as I trashed Cashner, he pitched really well against Arizona.
- Speaking of Cashner, how much should we criticize him considering the personal (and very serious) issues he’s dealing with? David from Vocal Minority got me thinking about this, and I think being easier on Cashner (or at least not going nuclear when he does something stupid) is a good way to go. The same could be said for Dick Enberg. Sweeney is always fair game, though.
- Justin Upton’s swing is pure sex. It’s like Prince and Baseball Jesus decided to bang and out came this miracle bestowed upon us. He’s hitting 50 this year. Write that shit in stone
- Derek Norris is secretly a billionaire who kills people for sport in the offseason. That’s where his speed comes from. You think it’s easy playing The Most Dangerous Game? Fuck outta here.
- Petco Park is a better pitching coach than Darren Balsley.
- Bud Black knows less than Jon Snow.
- Apparently there was some sort of rave or laser show at Petco Park last Saturday night after the win over the Giants. Padres ownership cashed in their food stamps and went to fucking town. Fowler strikes me as the eager one. The party’s not going anywhere, but he needs to take his shirt off RIGHT NOW. Dee is the wingman in charge of keeping everyone alive. Preller’s the weed guy. Seidler’s in bed watching Grey’s Anatomy.
- Blocking anyone and everyone who puts the team’s record next to their name. Charger fans do that shit, and they’re the worst. Find another way to show your loyalty or whatever the hell you’re trying to prove.
I went to my first (of hopefully many) Padres game of the season last night at Dodger Stadium. It was a pretty damn entertaining game, and I had a lot of thoughts I wanted to get out of my head. Since I’m too lazy to try and organize it in a coherent post, I figured I’d just write it all out in bullet points or something. So here goes.
- I said this on Twitter yesterday, but Wil Myers can fill out a fucking uniform. He wears a jersey like Don Draper wears a suit. TV does not do him justice. Between him, Kemp, Justin and Middlebrooks, the Padres have some serious beef cake. It’s too bad they traded Maybin, otherwise I wouldn’t have made to July.
- Derek Norris is fast? Derek Norris is fast! Who knew! I mean, I’m sure some people knew and for whatever reason didn’t tell us. My friend initially noticed Norris’ speed when he grounded out to third, and hot damn that dude can get down the line. He also threw out a runner and had a huge double, but that speed, man.
- Yonder had three (!!!) hits, and they were the most Yonder base hits ever. If he hangs onto the first base job he’s gonna have more singles than a stripper. I’ve grown fond of Yonder. Everything he does is hilarious. I imagine he fist bumps himself every time he successfully pours cereal.
- That Yasiel Puig throw. THAT FUCKING YASIEL PUIG THROW ARE YOU KIDDING ME. My jaw literally dropped when that shit happened. How is that throw even possible. I was beside myself and didn’t know what to do. Should I have become a Dodgers fan out of principle? I felt like I owed him that much. “I feel so spoiled because he does that every game,” my friend said as I struggled to find the right words to describe what just happened. Dick.
- Not sure how I got this far without mentioning Tyson Ross. He makes awkward look graceful, like a jump shooter with a terrible form but who’s actually pretty good. I’m not sure how concerned I should be about him laboring the third time through the lineup, but things got away from him quick. I know the umpire sucked, but Ross got away with a some really bad pitches. Still, if that’s his worst or him being sub-par, I’ll take it.
- I’ve completely changed my mind on the Kimbrel trade, mostly because I’m a whore for stuff and velocity. My god, it was like watching a Terminator fight an algebra teacher. Poor Joc Pederson did not deserve that. Ethier probably did, though.
- Gyorko’s a really solid defender and I think he’ll be fine offensively.
- Bud crosses his arms like a guy ready to get a full refund on some shady light bulbs he bought at Home Depot.
- Either Cashner’s hair goes or he does. This can no longer be tolerated.
- Dodger fans were whistling during Kemp’s at-bats, which was annoying as shit. I didn’t really get the reference, if there was one at all. At one point, some middle-aged dude began screaming Rihanna lyrics during his at-bats. I’m not talking just chorus, though, I’m talking full on entire Ri-Ri songs.
- Fuck blue. Fuck these uniforms. Bring back the brown.
The last post from the Avenging Jack Murphy blog on Padres Public was from me in late June. At the time I was on vacation in Mexico visiting family when the Padres had the fucking nerve to fire Josh Byrnes. I mean, they couldn’t fire him before I left the country? Assholes. My Wi-Fi sucked, and I missed out on the chance to chime in on social media with my all-important opinion.
I still managed to scribble out a few words on Byrnes and why I thought his firing was justified. The opportunity for endless jokes and retweets was lost, however, and my vacation was ruined.
The impact of Byrnes’ firing went far beyond the Padres organization. As you all know, Padres Public had a preeeeeeetty comfortable relationship with the Padres and their front office. They told us shit, like, real important stuff that ordinary peasants would never hear. We got free tickets whenever we wanted, and they even let some us go on TV and be media whores for 15 minutes.