Optimism! (sort of)

Come here, take a seat next to me. It’s OK, it’s not your fault. The Padres have wasted an entire fucking offseason are you kidding me haven’t had the type of offseason we were expecting after having another miserable fucking season these guys are literally trash a disappointing 2015 season, a year many thought they would contend for the playoffs after the flurry of high-profile acquisitions. Obviously those moves didn’t translate to success because we are terrible people who don’t deserve nice things like we were hoping for, but I want to be optimistic and look at a few players on the roster who I’m legitimately excited to watch because I’m a fucking idiot abandon all hope.

First, there’s Wil Myers, he of former prospect glory and form-fitting uniforms. The man fills out pants like Jim Irsay fills out a prescription for Oxy. He can also hit. I’m not talking about Yonder Alonso’s Better Suited for Petco Than Anthony Rizzo hit. I’m talking Make You Get off Your Couch and Vine That Swing hit. I’m a firm believer that Myers will be a legit all-star this year if he stays healthy which he definitely won’t because we can never catch a fucking break. I’m all in on Wil Myers.

The best thing about Spangin’ is there is no set definition for it. It is many things, and you should not hesitate to use it. The Padres traded Jedd Gyorko to St. Louis where he’ll definitely become an all-star and hit 40 home runs oh god I hate everything for Jon Jay seriously just Jon Jay like not even a young pitcher fucking hell, clearing the way for Cory Spangenberg to take over second base. There’s a lot to like about Spang: good feel for hitting, great speed, solid on-base skills, and very good defense. If he puts it all together HE WON’T FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T GET YOUR HOPES UP you’ve got a really good young building block, and possibly an extension candidate *wanking motion*.

For some reason Melvin Upton Jr. gets a lot of shit from fans. David from Vocal Minority pointed it out Twitter; Upton Jr. was really solid in limited playing time (1.6 fWAR in 87 games). Can he sustain that over an entire season, or at least in an extended role? I don’t know, but at the very least there’s hope LOL that he can be a valuable contributor.

Let’s see, oh right the prospects that everyone thinks are garbage. Austin Hedges is probably a narc predictably struggled offensively when he was called up. But, my god, he plays defense like a honey badger on Adderall. He’s almost surely starting at Triple-A, where he’ll play every day and raise our expectations to an unreasonable levels only to kill us in our sleep continue developing offensively kind of like what should have happened last year had the Padres not been so fucking incompetent.

A few others: Travis Jankowski has less power than Peter Seidler was whatever last year, but people who I respect like him quite a bit. Hunter Renfroe is definitely a narc could be up by mid-season fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck Josh Byrnes  and could take over left field permanently. I won’t discuss Javy Guerra and Manuel Margot until 2017 when they’ll be fully realized busts.

You see, it’s not that hard to look at the bright side.

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  • ballybunion

    See, this is why I was adamantly opposed to taking Quaaludes off the market.
    But seriously, you’ve captured the Jekyll-Hyde nature of Padres fandom. If only we could all find the lotus position, get ourselves centered, and view a Padres season from outside ourselves, we could slash our alcohol consumption dramatically. Until then my personal motto will continue to be “Relentless Optimism Spitting In The Face of Reality.” It keeps me from typing comments, texts, and tweets I’d be sorry for later.

  • Deezy

    Very funny, well done. You’re a good writer.

  • GoldenBoy

    This is hilarious.