Nick Canepa, god of war and human sacrifice, demands blood debt from Yasmani Grandal

The U-T’s Nick Canepa is an Aztec – a graduate of San Diego State University. Nick Canepa, the Aztec, believes that suspended catcher Yasmani Grandal should be removed from the Padres organization. Below is an account from my mind.

Huitzilopochtli (Nick Canepa), Aztec god of war and human sacrifice, demands the blood of Padres catcher Yasmani Grandal.

Huitzilopochtli (Nick Canepa) demanded on November 15th 2012, that the blood debt be repaid by the 24 year-old catcher. But the blood was not forthcoming.

Huitzilopochtli (Nick Canepa) has not been this offended since he was forced to kill his sister upon entrance into this world. Emerging from his mother’s womb as s a full fledged warrior, Huitzilopochtli (Nick Canepa) cut off his sister’s head and threw it into the sky. Her head provides the light for mankind, manifested in what we know to be the moon. This light will cease if the blood of Grandal is not presented to Huitzilopochtli (Nick Canepa).

It is now February 12th, and Huitzilopochtli (Nick Canepa) has returned for what is rightfully his: the blood of the jaguar warrior, Yasmani Grandal. Without the blood of this warrior this world will not survive another 52 years. Bring forth the blood of Grandal!

From the southern most chinampas of lake Texcoco, Huitzilopochtli (Nick Canepa) demands that Los Padres de Espana surrender the Jaguar Grandal so the debt can be repaid. The sun cannot shine upon Earth’s creatures without the blood of this warrior.

Huitzilopochtli (Nick Canepa) has written in the codices of record:

“But doing most of the damage is Yasmani Grandal, who after coming on strong at the end of the year seemed set to be the team’s starting catcher for years. But he got himself busted for taking PEDs and will miss the first 50 games of the season, and that’s if the organization takes him back at all, which it shouldn’t because he absolutely screwed this team.”

Ingesting the blood of the sacred jaguar (PEDs) before the god of war has been appeased shall not go unpunished. Since Los Padres de Espana will not surrender him, He (Nick Canepa) will send His wrath to scorch the Earth. But before the body of Grandal is drained of blood, his heart presented to Him, and the vessel of his soul kicked down the steps of the Templo Mayor, Huitzilopochtli (Nick Canepa) asks what his cadre of Jaguar Knights (Padres Public) would like to do with the fallen warrior Grandal . . .

The Sacrifice Bunt (Ray)

Trade him for a junk-arm reliever, obviously.

Left Coast Bias

Bring out the Gimp. Or force him to binge watch Smash season 1.

Vocal Minority (Nate)

I’ve actually thought about this a lot. They should bring him and a doctor onto the field before the anthem every game during the 2013 season and have the doctor draw blood. They don’t have to test every sample, or any of them, but it will serve to shame him and as a warning to any other players who might be stupid enough to get caught.

Left Coast Bias

Brand him with a scarlet hypodermic needle

RJ’s Fro (Rick)

Strap him to a chair and have him listen to Country Joe West cassette tapes over and over again.

Vocal Minority (David)

Make him listen to a conversation between Nick Canepa and Hacksaw, occurring over a pancake breakfast.

Ghost of RAK

At IHOP on Miramar Road, obviously.

RJ’s Fro (Rick)

Force him to be interviewed by the Bleacher Bums at his press conference back.

Vocal Minority (David)

Throw a large syringe at him.

Ghost of RAK

Make him host the 1090 post-game show for The Coach during his suspension so he can hear the mouth-breathers who call that show berate him first-hand.

Huitzilopochtli (Nick Canepa) does not like these suggestions. Huitzilopochtli (Nick Canepa) will flay Grandal and wear the warrior’s glistening skin to the press box on opening day at PETCO Park..

Can we all agree that people make mistakes, especially young ones – let’s give the young man an opportunity for redemption. I’d prefer that the Padres not cut-off their nose to spite their face.

Follow along on twitter (@AvengingJM)

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  • Blood for Baal.

  • Are there any performance enhancers available for Canepa?

    • VM David


    • Axion

      you can get a boner when youre past your time, you can grow crazy muscles, but theres no potion for good writing and this penis enlargement cream is bullshit

  • He already has lost his starting job, we know Nick Hundley can get hot. If he does again, Grandal may be a backup, or in AAA.

    • VM David

      Or a backup in AAA?

  • Axion

    hold him down and tickle him and make fun of his warped little package and hair

  • I simply think that by demanding a blood sacrifice, Huitzilopocthli (Nick Canepa), is trying to get ahead of the MLB curve by implementing his own ritualistic HGH testing. I would also like to see this story told in hieroglyphs for full visual effect, with an addendum addressing the connection between PED’s and sore middle finger tendons.