I’ll Buy Two Bridges If You’re Selling

There’s been a lot of anger and rightfully fucking so about some of the comments made by sock puppet Mike Dee and Padres ownership, particularly from Cooper Manning wannabe Pete Seidler. Last Friday Seidler went on the team’s flagship radio station to let us know how fucking stupid he thinks fans are to exclaim that the Padres aren’t rebuilding because they’re fucking morons, that they’re in fact above that notion altogether.

Instead of smashing my neighbor’s car windows rushing to judgement on Seidler’s comments, I slashed their tires took a moment to break down what he was actually saying, and lemme tell ya, the guy cannot possibly be this delusional I mean come the fuck on ain’t wrong. Let’s use the comments Seidler and Dee used yesterday and see where their fucked up logic is coming from.

  • Dee on not wanting to rebuild: “The term we use is ‘building.’ And we’ve been building since Peter and Ron(Fowler) and the group purchased the team three years ago. There’s nobody in that clubhouse that believes that there’s rebuilding or taking a step back. This is about the here and now. 2016. There are guys in there that believe in what we’re doing and believe in where we’re going this year.”

Gotta say, I’m sold. At first I was weary because these guys talk a big game despite never having accomplished anything since they’ve been in charge unless you count whoring themselves out for a fucking midsummer exhibition game, but BAM, right there, Dee said perfectly: “This is about here and now.” Fuck me that is good. Give him a raise and some fresh Molly. He’s earned it.

  • Seidler on his excitement for 2016: “If you go back to a year ago, what AJ Preller thought was we had a chance to make some trades where we got good baseball value back. And the core of that group –Matt KempJames ShieldsWil MyersDerek Norris – they’re still here. They’re not as exciting because they’re not as new, I suppose. But they’re exciting to me. I’m more excited this year than I was last year, frankly, because we’re one more year into Preller’s reign of building a great organization at all levels.”

I can’t find a flaw in his reasoning. The Padres brought back the CORE GROUP of guys that won 74 games last year, all a year older, and have major injury and/or performance concerns someone please direct this motherfucker to FanGraphs. The real problem isn’t bringing back these Famers, it’s that fans don’t get that they’re really good. Fans want NEW Famers every year, and that’s unreasonable. Again, Seidler gets it KILL ME.

  • Dee on potentially being buyers during the season: “I think it’s fair to say we’re keeping some dry powder as we move into the season. See how the major league season unfolds and we could be a participant in an additive way in July if the team performs as we hope.”

Cocaine. That’s pretty much all I got out of that quote.

  • Dee on the 2016 season: “Are we in a competitive division? Absolutely. Is it gonna be tough? For sure. But under Andy’s leadership, we believe this is a roster that can compete. We believe our top 3 starters are as good as any in the National League. …We feel this will be a team that will compete and compete hard in 2016.”

You can tell Dee’s confident the team’s going to improve by citing a manager’s influence as the biggest reason why even though there’s absolutely no way of proving it but whatever. I don’t know about you guys but I’m out of Vicodin please help stoked for the season.

 

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  • ballybunion

    Well, I’m sold! There has to be something solid behind that willful self delusion, right? I think I know what it is, from looking at the Phillies’ half-hearted, slo-mo rebuild:

    2012 – 81-81, attendance 3,565,000
    2013 – 73-89, attendance 3,012,000
    2014 – 73-89, attendance 2,423,000
    2015 – 63-99, attendance 1,831,000

    There you have it. The owners won’t rebuild because the fan base will crater, and it’ll be much tougher to get them back, especially with the history of fire sales here. They’re going to keep a few ‘name’ players, bring up promising prospects, make a few trades, and fill a few holes with potential bounce back candidates, and hope the team gets better and better, eventually becoming a contender. Sounds like a plan!

  • Sac Bunt Chris

    These comments are so maddening. Holy shit I just wrote 1,100 words (with sources!) on why I think something but Peter Seidler and his vast baseball experience of owning a minor league team and part-owning a bad major league team for 3 years has decided he knows the real reason I think what I do.

  • Forget baseball! This makes me want to follow the team closely just to hear what these guys say next. Good stuff, Oscar.

  • Dan

    This shit cracked me up big time. My wife wanted to know why I was laughing so hard while taking a dump.