Andrew Cashner won last night. Seriously.

With great anticipation I sat down to watch the Padres and Cubs last night. I informed my wife that this particular game was important, that it was must see TV.

I went on to explain, sure it was a game between two last place teams, but it was also a match-up between two young bucks who were traded for one another last season. This was important (in the context of my fandom) and she needed to know it for no other reason than to provide me license to sit on the couch and not move for the next three hours. On this night, she allowed it.

We all knew that the Cashner v. Rizzo 1.0 didn’t mean much in the grand scheme of things. Would we have collectively vomited if Anthony Rizzo had jacked three HRs off the hairy Texan? Probably. But after nine innings of baseball we knew that nothing definitive would come from this game.

Personally speaking, It wasn’t the match-up that concerned me the most though. I just wanted to see Andrew Cashner build-upon his previous start. I wanted to see him pitch 6+ innings and to do it without injury.

So I come before you on May 2nd, 2013 to say, “Andrew Cashner was terrible last night. But at least he didn’t get injured.”

In describing his performance on Cash said, “I dressed the deer out there tonight.”

He did not say that. Wouldn’t that be great if he had?

No, Andrew Cashner was more succinct in his evaluation last night. He simply said, “It was bad,”

The quote continued with more words, ultimately completing a thought and what we would refer to as a sentence, but who cares. Andrew Cashner was bad last night.

What can we take from this start that was good, you ask? I submit the following:

  • Anthony Rizzo did not hit three HRs. He didn’t even hit one HR. The jury is still out on this trade.
  • Andrew Cashner threw 96 pitches. That’s a lot of pitches. Pretend that those pitches were scattered over 7 innings instead of 4. I feel better already.
  • Andrew Cashner was not injured when Anthony Rizzo made an ill-timed dash towards home plate on a wild pitch in the 1st inning. That play could have been really ugly. Let’s watch . . .
Picture 1

A wild pitch. Good lord, Cashner.


Picture 9

Oh no. No! No! NO!

Picture 10

Jesus, Mary, and Joseph! Gahhhh!

Picture 8

He’s out? Cashner didn’t get touched? YES!!!!!

Imagine a scenario in which Andrew Cashner had been injured at home plate last night . . . by Anthony frickin’ Rizzo?


I’m serious.

Close your eyes.

Transcend this world.

Go to your happy, quiet, place where Pandas are simple creatures who eat bamboo 18 hours a day instead of destroying your team’s pitching staff on a regular basis.


Take a deep breath.

Now imagine Andrew Cashner’s wrist getting broken at home plate by the young first baseman he was traded for more than a year ago.

Had that happened I would have seriously considered why I even follow this baseball team. I would have immediately traveled to the fan crossroads* where the devil would have met me with a Mariners jersey.

*The fan crossroads is between Gila Bend and Phoenix just off of State Route 85. Greater Phoenix is where all things related to hell can be found.

But none of this happened.

Last night Andrew Cashner won. I don’t care what anyone says.

I contribute to Padres Public on Thursday mornings and when I’m feeling particularly inspired. I can also be found on twitter at @AvengingJM where I offer my services 7 days a week

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  • VM David

    There may or may not currently be a Padres cap on a cactus at the fan crossroads.

  • *The fan crossroads is between Gila Bend and Phoenix just off of State Route 85. Greater Phoenix is where all things related to hell can be found.

    there’s a state prison there. on the other side is the juvenile state prison.

    • and no, I’m not making that up