A Very Important Conversation (sort of)

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What follows is an exclusive conversation between Josh Byrnes, Mike Dee and Johnny Manziel. Don’t ask how I got it. This is all 100% true. Promise.

*Mike Dee enters Josh Byrnes’ office*

Mike Dee: “Jesus Christ you’re playing Playstation again? Turn that off I want to talk to you about something.”

Josh Byrnes: “Geez, dad, let me just finish this game of Madden.”

*Byrnes loses 49-21*

Byrnes: “What do you want.”

Dee: “Ok, so I was up late last night and came up with this crazy idea. It’s a little out of the box, but I think you’re gonna dig it.”

Byrnes: “If this is about the uniforms I told you I don’t fucking care.”

Dee: “Dude I know. It’s not that. Chill.”

Byrnes: “Ok what’s your idea.”

Dee: “Ok, remember when we had Johnny Manziel throw out the first pitch last year?”

Byrnes: “Not sure where you’re going with this but I don’t have anything better to do.”

Dee: “Imagine what the reaction would be if we drafted him! It’d be great publicity and we already have a picture of him in a Padres hat.”

Byrnes: “Are you fucking high? No, shut up I’m not drafting him. Leave me alone.”

Dee: “Listen listen you’re not thinking this through. We’re gonna get mad retweets and likes. Everyone’s gonna be talking about it. We’ll definitely make Espn and probably Deadspin. There’s no downside.”

Byrnes: “Fine, whatever. I’ll draft him in the 40th round or something.”

Dee: “Uh no. Take him before the 30th.”

Byrnes: “What fucking difference does it make anyway? You know what, I’m not doing it. How ’bout that?”

Dee: “How ’bout I’m your boss and the team you put together is playing like shit.”

Byrnes: “Dick.”

Dee: “Good, glad you’re on board.”

*24 hours later*

Dee: “Get Manziel on the phone.”

Byrnes: “Dick”

*ring* *ring* *ring*

Johnny Manziel: “Yeah what”

Byrnes: “Jonnhy, this is Josh Byrnes. How are you doing?”

Manziel: “Um, ok I guess. Who’s this?”

Byrnes: “Josh Byrnes, Padres General Manager. Look I just wanted to call to congratulate you on being drafted.”

Manziel: “Yeah, Cleveland’s whatever. I got a good hookup already so, yeah, I’m straight.”

Byrnes: “Well, I’m excited to inform you that we’ve drafted you too! Congratulations!”

Manziel: “Uh, cool thanks. I’ve never played hockey, though. Is that a deal-breaker?”

Byrnes: “No Johnn-”

Dee: “Give me the goddamn phone. Johnny! Hey what’s up! Listen, this is Mike Dee, remember? You threw out the first pitch for us. We gave you a bunch of free shit. C’mon, we had a great night!”

Manziel: “Yeah sure. Look I have like four girls here, you mind getting to the point?”

Dee: “Hahaha that’s great. Ok so we’re gonna draft you, but it’s nothing serious. All you have to do is is send out a tweet. Nothing more. Oh, make sure to thank us in the tweet.”

Manziel: “Ok, cool. Hey do you know how to spot syphilis?”


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  • GoldenBoy

    This is hilarious. So far Dee has been King of the Gimmicks. And they’re not doing the Padres any good. Can we have Garfinkel back?

  • Tom Waits

    If the Padres were five games over .500 and had a chance every night, or if we had a wave of AA and AAA prospects knocking on the door, we could laugh off the Manziel pick.

    Given the team’s actual performance and the dearth of young replacements, it’s insulting. Almost certainly it won’t matter, picks down there rarely work out and the Padre development system rarely manages to produce major league talent anyway. Still, did we need to make ourselves look like more of a joke?