If I had to guess I’d say I’ve watched about 75 percent of Padres’ games this season. That’s a lot of Padres baseball, far more than any reasonable person should be allowed to watch. There should be laws that restrict how many Padres games you can watch in one season. Too many will just fuck you up, man.

The Padres played the Rockies yesterday at Coors Field, a deserted pit stop of shame and regret on the road to civilization. I didn’t feel like watching the Padres again, because I mean come on do I really need to explain myself? So I skipped it, opting instead for a night out with a lovely friend. What could I possibly miss in a meaningless August game between a pair of underwhelming teams? Certainly no one’s going to do something crazy like hit four home runs or throw a no-hitter. And there definitely won’t be any cycles, at least not from the Padres.

So I quaff my hair in the douchiest way I know how, then head out. Right around 10-ish I decide to check twitter reeeeaaaaal quick. I never do this because it’s rude and I’m a fucking gentleman. I expect the usual: complaints, sarcasm, bad jokes, good jokes, shit heads, and overall fun banter. Surely nothing important’s happened.



Yup, a cycle. Of all the fucking nights, Matt Kemp decides to hit for the cycle when I’m not watching. What an asshole. I excuse myself for a moment, high-five a stranger, then fist pump like I just found out I won’t be evicted this month. I start reading through my timeline. There must’ve been dozens of tweets, maybe hundreds, and I loved them all. It was exciting just seeing how much everyone else happy. We don’t get his often, so fuck yeah we’re gonna celebrate it.

I wanted to share my favorite tweets from last night. They’re mostly in chronological order. Fuck yeah cycle!




The highlight of the season is upon us. Sit back, and enjoy A.J. Preller’s cocaine binge. Ramblings:

  • It’s smart baseball to try and get the best possible package of players in any trade. It’s what I hope Preller and company are doing, not settling for anything. On the other hand, COME ONNNNNNNNNNNN. Toss us a goddamn bone. Give us something, anything to discuss. Listen, I love rumors (Christoph Waltz voice), but the constant frustration of going through seven hours worth of tweets and not a single fucking trade going down is exhausting. I deserve to be rewarded, goddammit, it’s my right as a fan and American.
  • I realize that shortstop should be priority numbers 1, 2, 3, and 4, but third base is kind of trash too. I put the air in the tires of the Jedd Gyorko bandwagon, but if they could upgrade the infield (regardless of position) I’m all for it.
  • How fucking deluded is this ownership? Every report regarding the team and the deadline suggests they’re sellers, but they’re still insisting they plan on spending in the offseason because LOOK HOW BIG  OUR COCKS GET WITH VIAGRA. They’re handcuffing their general manager with these comments, even if everyone knows it’s bullshit (well, except them). They’ve somehow successfully shifted the media narrative in their favor, making Preller their fall-guy in the process. “Hey, we spent a fuckload of money! LOOK.” They’re as much, if not more, responsible for the hole the team’s in than anybody else.
  • I’m perfectly fine with keeping Justin Upton for the rest of the season. This team’s going to play itself out of a protected pick anyway (oh, it’s going to fucking happen), so might as well recoup the comp pick and bet on yourself (we’re doomed).
  • What is with all these teams not wanting to part with prospects for good players. These impostors wall themselves contenders, but they ain’t shit. That goes for Toronto, too. Who cares if you can hit, you still can’t pitch for shit. The Jays need a Big Game Pitcher, preferably with the first name that rhymes with Game so as to make a lazy nickname.
  • Remember when the Rockies were rebuilding The Right Way? LOL fuck ’em.
  • Yo release Shawn Kelley immediately.
  • Matt Kemp’s been really good, so that’s something.
  • Brandon Maurer for Cy Young.
  • OK that’s enough Padres. True Detective time!
  • FINALLY. Listen, I never really cared if True Detective was good or not. That was more of a bonus. Last season was great because of the two leads, but show itself was ehhhhhhhhhh. It’s good, but overrated. Most importantly, though, it was entertaining and hilarious and EXTREME. Nothing was ever out of the realm of possibility with these dudes, and that’s how I felt about Sunday’s episode.
  • Before we get to Ray’s coke binge, can we talk about the scene with him and his wife’s rapist. Dear God, please give us an episode where Ray gets his hands on this motherfucker. I don’t think Frank set him up, mostly because he’s an incompetent jackass whose tough guy act is weaker than Ron Fowler’s personal mute button (#ShutUpRonFowler). Ray ain’t done killin’ or tweakin’, which gives the show hope.
  • Yeah, I know there’s only two episodes left. Eat me.
  • It’s seems very odd to introduce something as significant as Ani being sexually abused as a child so late in the season. There are way too many cooks on this show, and the eight episode season does it no favors. This probably should’ve been touched on at the start of the season. Everything was done way too sloppy and hastily. The show essentially wasted the first half of season on Frank. Ugh.
  • WHO IS STAN??????
  • It’s about fucking time the show got the cartel involved. Hat tip, future showrunners and writers: always introduce the cartel sooner rather than later. Shit will always get more interesting. I have no idea what role these fools play in all this, but I can’t wait to find out.
  • Give Paul Woodrugh a gun and place him in a life threatening situation and he suddenly becomes Captain fucking America. Fuck yeah, Paul.
  • Remember Birdman? Of course you fucking don’t because this show is terrible. I think I figured out who he is: Ray’s old boss in Vinci, the one who went to his house and basically evicted him. He has access to riot gear, which was what he shot Ray with, and he’s probably on some rich dude’s payroll in charge of collecting dirty tapes, or whatever.
  • Predictions for the last two episodes: Ani kills her dad who is somehow connected to all this, Ray beats the shit out of at least three more people, Chad realizes that Friends is mostly bullshit after the fourth season.

It’s been a couple weeks since I last posted. Some of it had to do with a busy schedule, but mostly it was because I ran out of things to talk about. But whoa hey look at all the shit that’s gone down! It’s like the Padres threw me a lifeline while still attempting to drown me. Just an FYI I will be giving my thoughts  on True Detective towards the end, so if that’s not your thing, I don’t give a fuck. Let’s ramble!

  • OK so about yesterday. The best way to be a good teammate and to get back at the team that just showed you is to beat them. That’s it. Anything else, like throwing at them or talking shit, is just stupid and petty. Especially with the fucking Giants, who are the goddamn worst. Don’t give them any more ammunition. And who the fuck put Shawn Kelley in charge of doing the shit talking? Did he do that on his own, or was Dale Thayer all “Dude, I need to know you have my back. Call Sanchez a bitch or something. Do it FOR MY HONOR.” Pitchers who give up grand slams then toss their gum at the hitter don’t deserve to be stood up for. Do it your goddamn self, and don’t get angry at a guy for bat flipping after hitting a grand slam. If it were me I would’ve pimp walked around the bases using the bat as a cane.
  • Did I mention that the Giants are the worst? Fuck I hate the Giants.
  • I’m not sure how much of the five-game winning streak was real, whatever “real” means, but I enjoyed it. It’s more fun rooting for wins than it is rooting for losses, except when Stephen Strasburg is in the following year’s draft. Then it’s a kick in the balls.
  • (sorry)
  • Saw this on Twitter yesterday (might have been Nate from Vocal Minority IDK I’m too lazy to check), but I’m all for trading Justin Upton and signing him in the offseason. He supposedly loves San Diego (who doesn’t?) and I like talented ballplayers who like playing for my favorite team (yes I know he wants to stay in SD so long as they pay him the most money; let me dream).
  • The All-Star logo was whatever. I mean, it’s not terrible, but it’s not exciting. It’s very… Padres. I am looking forward to how they use yellow, because yellow is a dope and underrated color. Unless it’s on a Starburst. In that case fuck yellow.
  • The explanation for the colors, though? My God. BATTLESHIP GREY. You can actually hear Michael Bay masturbating to the thought of making that his next movie title. Who the fuck is in charge of naming these colors, and do they really need names? Like, I’m almost pissed they didn’t go with red. Robbed us of a bitchin’ explanation, IMO. If the Padres were any more militarized, they’d be the police.
  • I would trade Trea Turner and Joe Ross for Wil Myers again in a fucking heartbeat.
  • Tyson Ross, James Shields, and Brandon Maurer are the only pitchers I wouldn’t trade. That’s right, I’m shilling for a reliever. Ignore the title of this post. Brandon Maurer  is an All-Star who will return this franchise to glory.
  • OK that’s enough about the Padres. True Detective spoilers from here on out.
  • This show is garbage and everyone involved should be ashamed. How the fuck do you not put Ray Velcoro in a every scene. It’s like batting a dude with a 175 wRC+ sixth in the order. When he puts on his gloves, I lock my door and turn the volume all the way up. Somebody is about to get FUCKED UP, and suddenly the show is watchable. Colin Farrell deserves better.
  • My biggest problem with this season is, save for Ray, I just don’t care about any of these people. I don’t care that Paul’s an alcoholic who’s stuck in the closet and hates his mother and is marrying his pregnant ex girlfriend because hey why the fuck not. I don’t care about Ani and her kinkiness and cult upbringing (that scene last week where she’s at group therapy should’ve been hilarious, instead I started playing with my phone).
  • And then there’s Frank. UGGHHHHH. This fucking guy. He goes around places with his hand out begging for money and crying poor like a fucking scrub. Jeff Moorad is laughing at him. I particularly liked when he took offense to being called a gangster. YOU DON’T HAVE ENOUGH MONEY, BRO.
  • Oh, and what the fuck happened to the dude in the bird costume? You can’t introduce a character like that then not so much as follow up. I want to know more about this person. How fucked up is he/she? Why did they let Ray live? WHY A BIRD?
  • I hate this season for robbing us of last season’s opening credits.
  • I’ll stick with the show for the last three episodes. I mean at this point why the hell not. I hope it gets better, but I’m not optimistic.

I don’t feel particularly motivated to write about the Padres this week because there’s only so many times I can call Will Middlebrooks trash. It’s exhausting and repetitive, and I’m sure he’s a wonderful person who doesn’t deserve it.

What I really want to do is talk about True Detective and all the shit that’s gone down this season. If you don’t watch True Detective, what the fuck? I thought we were cool. Just leave, and don’t come back until you’re ready. I know this isn’t True Detective Public, but fuck it. To satisfy everyone, I’ll compare each character from TD to a current Padres player. Let’s get really weird.

Warning there are major spoilers ahead, so if you’re not caught up leave now. Actually, keep reading. I don’t care.

SO IS VELCORO DEAD? No. He can’t be, right? Motherfucker took two slugs to the stomach from close range from Birdman. I don’t know why I get the feeling that it was Frank who set him up. But then that wouldn’t make sense. Really that’s the essence of the show this season. THIS DOESN’T MAKE ANY FUCKING SENSE.

Anyway, I don’t think our totally fucked maniac hero is dead. First off, you can’t kill your lead character two episodes in. Even Game of Thrones waited until the end of the first season to kill Ned Stark. Second, who fuck else is make this shit worth watching? Is Taylor Kitsch going to do anything as hilarious as compare vaping to sucking a robot’s dick? Hell no. And that line about being a feminist? LOL. I took a look at the first trailer, because I am a loser. Check out who’s ready to beat some motherfucking 12 year olds to death around the 37 second mark. 

Padres comp: Derek Norris

Vince Vaughn’s been a fucking train wreck. He’s having a harder time reading off creator Nic Pizzolatto’s lines than Floyd Mayweather does reading anything. That monologue about his dad locking him in the basement with all the rats and stuff should’ve been some bone chilling shit. Instead it was more like “well dude maybe next time you’ll learn.” I don’t care about this guy or his shitty financial investments.

Padres comp: Matt Kemp (h/t Pog Lankford)

You’d think a hardcore porn addict detective who vapes and is the daughter of a cult leader would do more interesting shit, but nah. I’ll give Ani a break, tho. Have you seen all those fucking knives? She’s gonna use them at some point this season to cut a motherfucker up and it’s going to be awesome. I just hope the show finds her a man who knows what he’s doing. No question she has a high ceiling, I just hope she reaches it before the season completely goes to hell.

Padres comp: A.J. Preller

Ugh I guess I have to talk about Kitsch. What’s his character’s name again? You know what, it doesn’t matter. Every scene with him feels like a massive waste of time. Like hurry up with your moodiness I have a show to watch. Sooner or later they’re going to have to show us what kind of fucked up things he did that made him the way he is. Until then we just have to hope he does more dope shit on his bike while accepting free blow jobs from movie stars.

Padres comp: Will Middlebrooks

One last note: fuuuuuuuuuuck the song for the opening credits for this season. Last season’s song was legit one of the best reasons to watch the show. It’s so perfect and sexy. The new one doesn’t feel sexy. It feels forced and disjointed, like Buddy Black trying to fill out a lineup.

As my ex-girlfriend would say, let’s just get this over with.

  • It really sucks that I’m not an Astros fan, because then I would have SO MUCH to talk about, like Carlos Correa and Lance McCullers and George Springer and a bunch of randoms. No, instead I’m stuck with the Padres. The same middling, painfully average Padres team that’s a bigger dick tease than any Star Wars trailer. This team sucks, then shows signs of life, then gets shut out, then fires someone, then gives us a meme we (I) run into the ground, because there’s literally nothing else to talk about, because we’ve been talking and writing and complaining about the same shit all season. The defense sucks? We already knew that, asshole! The pitching hasn’t met expectations? That’s probably the defense’s fault (and Andrew Cashner’s). Let’s see, what else. Oh, the lineups, which apparently Murph doesn’t even fill out himself? Which seems odd considering that’s a pretty important aspect of the game you’re leaving to a group of stooges who are probably only employed because they were your predecessor’s buddy (PUN INTENDED, MOTHERFUCKER). BTW, I’m not convinced Murph doesn’t fill out the lineup himself, mainly because he can’t be that stupid. Or maybe he is! Who gives a fuck! This is a very lengthy bullet and I’m not even sure what I’m trying to say. Baseball sucks. Death is imminent.
  • Speaking of lineups, there are only two Padres who should never, under any circumstances, ever be benched: JUpton and Yonder.  Everyone else is fair game.
  • What the fuck is this team thinking with Derek Norris? His OBP is now under .300, and his June numbers are uglier than their draft history. He won’t make it to August at this pace. I have no idea what their plan is for Austin Hedges. He’s wasting away on the bench instead of getting regular at-bats that he desperately needs. If they have such little faith in him bring in someone else. Or wait until Norris is in a boot or sling or worse.
  •   The Middlebrooks and Solarte experiments are adorable, like when you’re trying on a pair of suits your girlfriend picked out but they’re so fucking hideous you’d rather just end the relationship. End this ratchet charade and call-up Gyorko. BTW remember when people said the Chase Headley deal was looking good for the Padres because of one fluky April by Solarte? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA (Headley hasn’t been good this year, but shut up).
  • I’d like to join the Brandon Maurer Club. Where do I sign? Is there some sort of blood oath we have to take, because I am down. Give me more Maurer.
  • The worst part about of this season is not being able to make fun of the Diamondbacks. I really, really like making fun of the D-Backs, and the Padres have taken that away from me. I’ll never forgive them.
  • This is probably a terrible thing to say, but I’d rather Kemp be a massive asshole and put up all-star numbers than the other way around. Trying hard and having a great attitude ain’t gonna win you shit (see: every Padres team of the last 10 years).
  • I’m not ready to start thinking about possible JUpton trade scenarios yet. I’m just gonna enjoy watching him play for as long as he’s here.

So, some stuff went down recently. Quite a bit of stuff, actually. Stuff that made some people angry, and others very happy. Let’s get into it.

  • I would love to unleash a Bud Black take so hot that not even the White Walkers would be able to put out, but Dustin over at The Sac Bunt, as usual, wrote a terrific post on Buddy that I mostly agree with. There’s not much more that needs to be said. He had eight plus years, and even though  he mostly had shitty rosters, you can still show traits of being a quality manager even with a terrible collection of talent (i.e. Joe Maddon’s early Tampa years).
  • The one moment of Bud’s tenure that will always stick out and piss me off to no end happened his first year with the Padres. It was the end of the season at Milwaukee, and they had to beat the Brewers to secure a playoff spot. Instead of throwing Jake Peavy, the best goddamn pitcher on the planet at the time, on short rest, Bud saved him for a *POTENTIAL* one game playoff in Colorado. I mean what the fuck, Bud. Why not go balls out to try and avoid a single-game elimination at MOTHERFUCKING COORS FIELD. That trash Rockies team made it to the World Series and got destroyed because they were a trash team. Who knows if we would’ve beaten the Red Sox, but I liked our chances better considering we had the BEST FUCKING PITCHER ON THE PLANET AT THE TIME. Whatever I’m over it. I wish Bud the best wherever he lands.
  • Wil Myers should not play again until he’s fully healthy. If he misses the rest of the season, so be it. He’s way too important to dick around with. BTW, was Bud authorized to take Myers off the DL? I’ve always assumed that was the GM’s call, after consulting with doctors of course. Whoever gave the OK fucked up big time.
  • Basically what I want from Pat Murphy is for the bunting to end and for him to not bury young players for no goddamn reason. If he does that and gives me ideas for lame jokes on Twitter then we’ll be good.
  • Spang the last two weeks: .308/.349/.385 with a 117 OPS+. I get the feeling some think that wanting Gyorko to be the everyday second baseman meant wanting Spang to fail, which could not be farther from the truth. I love Spangin’ as much as the next guy. I’d Spang in public if it wasn’t a felony. If he can get on base and cause hell on the bases he’ll be a really useful player. Plus, have you seen that smile?
  • If batting Melvin leadoff is gonna get him going, then I’m all for it, especially if he can still go get it in the outfield. Plus Venable’s still there (when is he fucking not?) in case MUpton reverts to Atlanta Braves MUpton.
  • I’ve seen just about enough of Andrew Cashner.
  • If Murph doesn’t go up to Craig Kimbrel after another blown game and asks “What’s the most you’ve ever lost in a coin toss?” then I just don’t know what AJ Preller saw in him.
  • There’s been a lot hate and anger directed towards the site in recent days. Normally I wouldn’t care because the people saying these things are shit heel dumb fucks with less baseball intelligence than a tomato are easy to ignore. But from time to time you get pulled into these long arguments that make you want to stab yourself in the face repeatedly with a rusty toothbrush go on forever. I hate those type of arguments because the people on the other end can get fucked they’re so petty. So please, in the future, leave me out of your dumb as fuck arguments. KTHXBYE.

Hello there. How are you? I don’t care. Let’s ramble:

  • What in the fuck was AJ Preller wearing on draft day (night? whatever). Christ that was disgusting. I’m not gonna post it here, because I have fucking standards, but you know what I’m referring to. The hideous jacket with pants two sizes too big and shoes he stole from a hobo. This is a fucking BREAKFAST town, bro. SMH. And what the fuck was up with the creepy setup in an office Preller’s clearly never been in before? Is that where they buried Garf? Are the Moorad bobbleheads being kept there for safekeeping? ARE RON FOWLER’S FOOD STAMPS THERE? All valid and fair questions.
  • I’ve paid very little attention to the draft this year, and it’s all last year’s shitty shitty fucking terrible trash garbage fuckhead Padres’ team’s fault. Nice going assholes. You cost us a first rounder, and for what? Pride? HAHAHAHAHAHA. Pride, like Andrew Cashner, is overrated as fuck. Mostly, though, I blame Preller for not maiming every Padre that got hot after he was hired. The Rockstar GM could’ve prevented this, and he did nothing but watch as Will Venable and a bunch of randoms decided the most meaningless month of the season was the right time to not be trash.
  • Oh look Middlebrooks sucks again.
  • Speaking of Middlebrooks, Clint Barmes is a better hitter than him right now, which is fucking hilarious.
  • Frankly I don’t care who gets sent down or benched or forced onto the DL when Myers gets healthy, except for JUp <3. I’m not buying him playing second or third base, although with this org you never know.
  • I’ve accepted Jedd Gyorko’s probably a goner, and that’s a real shame. I’ve made my feelings known about Gyorko and, more importantly, Bud’s treatment of Gyorko. Nothing’s changed. He’s their best option at second base, and it’s not really close.
  • FSSD would find a way to defend Stannis Baratheon if he were a Padres employee.
  • Fuck Stannis Baratheon.
  • Oh you didn’t believe me about the truth bomb I dropped earlier on you about how Middlebrooks is more trash than Barmes? Fine. Middlebrooks OPS+: 92; Barmes: 94. Middlebrooks wRC+: 89; Barmes: 90. “But he’s barely better!” Fuck you I’m still right.
  • Bud running Derek Norris into the ground as Austin Hedges plays Angry Birds on his phone on the bench is pretty cool.
  • Another week of looking like a real baseball player for Matt Kemp!
  • Craig Kimbrel’s pitching just well enough to not make you think he’s point shaving.
  • RRRRRRRRRRR ALONSOOOOOOOOOOOO. Yonder’s definitely my favorite baseball player who can’t dress for shit and roots for a soccer club that is the equivalent of herpes. Still, as long as he gets on base I’m fine with him being our first baseman. Hey you could do worse there, like Brad Hawpe or Anthony Rizzo.
  • The Brandon Morrow news sucks. It was the most predictable injury, but it’s never cool to see a guy go down, especially after he pitched so well. There’s pretty much no starting pitching depth now, so we have to hope everyone stays healthy the rest of the season. We’re fucked.
  • I probably won’t be tweeting much over the next couple of weeks/months. I’ll do my best to have one of these posts up every week. Go Cavs.

Today we’re going to discuss Bud Black in great detahahahahahahahaha no we’re not. Let’s ramble:

  • Jedd Gyorko needs to be playing every day. I can’t believe this is even a discussion. The offense has been absolute dog shit this month, and Gyorko, who’s hitting .277/.358/.489 with a 178 OPS+ in May, can’t get regular at-bats because of trash baseball player Will Middlebrooks and good-looking but meh baseball player Cory Spangenberg. Neither of those two guys should be playing over Gyorko. I don’t care which one sits, though at this point I’d be happy to see Middlebrooks gone altogether. Gyorko’s also the best defender of the group, which should seem like more of a priority considering the albatross this team’s been in the field. I’m worried that at this point Gyorko’s best chance for regular playing time this season is with another team.
  • Look at Will Venable, playing as spry as the 25-year-old he was when we first saw him almost 39 years ago. Time flies waiting for someone to reach their ceiling, or continue being a massive dick tease. His hitting and defense have been a godsend. Holy shit that’s a disgusting sentence, but it’s the truth. All hail Will Venable, grandfather to us all.
  • OK fine, since no one wants to do it, I’ll go ahead and say it: Justin Upton’s good.
  • Speaking of Uptons, what of one Melvin Upton? Could he still be a useful player? Let’s take a look at his Baseball-Reference pag- OH GOD NOOOOOOOOOO. I’m not gonna pile on Melvin. I’m sure he’s gotten a lot of shit from a lot people since he signed that contract. I hope he comes back healthy and we see some semblance of the player he once was. But for now he’s in the Josh Johnson/Corey Luebke/Brandon Morrow group. Not gonna expect much from his this year, and possibly ever.
  • Matt Kemp’s looked like a real baseball player the last couple games, which is nice to see.
  • It’s funny how nobody talks about how much run support, or lack thereof, the starters get except when Andrew Cashner pitches. Here’s an idea, stop bringing that meaningless shit up. Nobody judges a pitcher’s performance based on his win-loss record, and if they do then you should ignore them. I had no idea what Cashner’s record was until I looked it, and then I hated myself for wasting the time it took looking up a meaningless stat when I could have been thinking about Fury Road or Huston Street. “Cashner’s snakebitten!” Why? Because he doesn’t get any wins? Fuck off. Join the rest of us in 2015.
  • Speaking of Fury Road, FURY ROAD!!!!!!!
  • I’m ready for Yonder and Myers to come back, or really anyone to displace Solarte at first base.
  • Does Tyson Ross have the sexiest pitch on the staff? At first I would think Kimbrel’s fastball, but he’s been shit for most of the year. Cashner’s slider is sexy, but not in the way you want to invite it over to hang out; more like a backup. Ian Kennedy’s stuff has been so on-and-off, you can’t really trust it to be sexy when you need it to be. Sorry, Despaigne’s not welcome in this conversation.
  • OK one very quick thing on Buddy: he’s gotta get thrown out the next time a bullshit call goes against his guys. It sounds totally stupid and unproductive, but I think it matters when the manager’s as pissed off about a bad call as his player is.

I haven’t been able to write this post the last two weeks due to a hectic schedule and for that I apologize. I realize this is a huge part of your day, no wait, your week, and I couldn’t be more disappointed in letting you down. Cry on my shoulder, it’s OK. The worst is past, and we can now move on to criticizing the shit out of professionals. Let’s Ramble.

  • Something I’ve been thinking about a lot in recent days, especially with how poorly the Padres have been playing, is what exactly Bud’s role is on the team. Yes, he’s the manager, but what does he do? I don’t know, and I doubt most fans know. He’s obviously in charge of handling the clubhouse and its personalities, a job nobody can quantify. Is he good at handling people? I guess, but I don’t really know. I do know that his lineups can be confusing and infuriating. I’ve seen him cost the Padres scoring opportunities and entire games with his penchant for giving away outs and bullpen mismanagement. I’ve seen that. I don’t think firing him will accomplish much, because the person that replaces him could be worse. I do love how the narrative’s shifted to “whoa hey chill guys Bud’s not the one giving up dingers.” If nothing is his fault, why the fuck even have a manager? If you’re gonna go the “it’s all the players!” route, then spare me your “look at the job Buddy’s doing!” sentiments. You don’t want to blame him for the team’s shortcomings? Fine. But don’t give him the credit if/when they turn it around.
  • As bad as Byrne’s tenure was, it could’ve been a lot worse had Andrew Cashner signed that extension. The Padres dodged a huge bullet. Preller’s probably a little disappointed. I’m sure he would’ve loved the challenge of trying to trade a number four starter with a terrible contract.
  • Justin Upton is a goddamn Sentinel. Ron Fowler’s scourging through old pants trying to find any extra food stamps he can cash in. Does 7 years, $210 million get it done? Sheeeeeeiiiiiitt, we can only hope.
  • Jedd Gyorko, once buried and left for dead at a cemetery where shady heroin deals go down, has scratched and clawed his way back into our lives, like Beatrix Kiddo in Kill Bill 2. He asked for a glass of water, and in return he’s delivered a .351/.400/.622 slash line in May, with a nifty 211 OPS+. JEDD FUCKING GYORKO.
  • The Padres buried Will Middlebrooks’ carcass in the grave Gyorko escaped from. Middlebrooks *looks* really good. I mean, goddamn, he can pull off a uniform better than most. But it’s all for show, like a Porsche that dies if you go past 40 miles per hour. It was an experiment worth trying. Now let’s Spang and Gyork the rest of the season.
  • Wil Myers :(
  • The whole point of taking Melvin Upton’s albatross contract and giving up Cam Maybin and a good prospect and some other shit for Craig Kimbrel was that he was supposed to be automatic. Like, fools weren’t even supposed to get on base against him, much less knock him around like he was goddamn Clayton Richard. At this point I don’t trust him to close my garage door. Here’s hoping Balsley could fix him, lol.
  • I miss Yonder.
  • Anybody who doesn’t want Tulo is a hater and not a real Padres fan.
  • I graduate college today. Don’t bother me.
  • HEDGES!!!!!!! oh my god oh my god oh my god it’s happening. .345/.415/.586 THREE FORTY FIVE FOUR FIFTEEN FIVE EIGHTY SIX. More walks (7) than strikeouts (6). “But it’s only been 65 plate appearances,” said the joyless sap. Fuck off. “Small sample size.” Eat me. I bet you give away toothbrushes on Halloween too. Did anybody ever question why they got a king-sized Snickers on Halloween with the rest of their shitty candy? Fuck no! You put your balls on the table and bragged about having the best candy to your friends. You didn’t question its validity or return it to the person who gave it to you. You saved it for last, then ate it while regretting your life choices. That is unless you were AJ Preller. In that case you probably traded it for two king sized Kit-Kats and a handful of fun-sized Mr. Goodbars. Austin Hedges is our king-sized Snickers. Is this all a fluke? Shit, I don’t know. I just know it’s a lot more fun this way.
  • BTW if you didn’t like the previous analogy, well, too fucking bad.
  • Justin Upton’s walkup music should be Rihanna’s “Bitch Better Have My Money.” If Kemp were really a good teammate, he’d understand.
  • Here lies Jedd Gyorko’s Bandwagon (2013-2015). It lived a short but meaningful life, and only the strong allowed it to live as long as it did. The cause of death has not yet been determined, but it is believed to be a violent and graphic passing. It is survived by Haha1721 and RJ’s Fro. RIP.
  • Glenn Hoffman’s getting exposed. It’s like he’s seen never seen base runners before. Holy fuck has he had some tragic moments this year. I’m gonna give him a break because I don’t know his role in the clubhouse and his brother works for the organization so he’s totes not getting fired no matter what.
  • What the fuck’s up with all the dipshit base running. It’s amazing the Padres have one of the best offenses in baseball considering how many runs and scoring opportunities they’ve cost themselves with TOOTBLAN after TOOTBLAN. This isn’t a team that needs to be aggressive on the base paths. Trying to move into scoring position with your home run hitters at the plate isn’t aggressive, it’s fucking stupid and needs to end now. And for fuck’s sake someone tell Spang he’s got a history of concussions and sliding head first might not be conducive to his long-term health.
  • Hey guys did you know that this year is not last year. Real shit. I just found out. It is not last year. This year is THIS year and different from last year. We get it, the team’s better and totally nothing like last year’s and that’s good. When April ends, we’ll bury this storyline next to the Gyorko Bandwagon’s grave.
  • Is it too soon to say the pitchers hate Derek Norris? Because I think they hate Derek Norris.
  • As long as Yonder hits for a high average and gets on base, I’ll live with it. It’ll be an empty high average, with lots of bloopers juuuuuuuuust over the shortstop’s head. His 138 OPS+ is really encouraging, and I’ve been very impressed with his approach. But his defense has been shit. Maybe this is just me, but I’ve noticed he’s not putting much effort in trying to save poor throws from the infielders. Kinda lazy.
  • The Middlebrooks crowd scurried off in a fucking hurry, didn’t it?
  • Wil Myers is your incredibly intelligent and wonderful cousin who has a meth problem.