Yesterday Padres president Mike Dee made his weekly radio appearance with Dan Sileo. Unfortunately, I don’t have the stomach to listen to this decrepit bullshit. Sileo’s not going to ask any difficult questions, his main appeal to Dee, I’m sure.

Fortunately for me, the good guys at Gwynntelligence, Dave Marver and Padres Jagoff, listen to Dee’s interview every week (!!!) so we don’t have to, then tweet the most relevant stuff. This is cool because I imagine listening to Sileo and Dee every week must be like wearing a condom full of pissed off wasps.

Anyway, Dee said something very interesting (or at least as interesting as he can be) when he gave the Padres a C+ letter grade on the season so far.

Hahahahahahahahaha. Holy shit that’s good. The house is on fire, firefighters are delayed by three hours, and every fire hydrant leaks piss, but the upholstery’s still intact! I understand that a high-ranking executive of a major corporation who’s failing miserably and almost assuredly will be the first to get the guillotine has to stay positive, but that’s some tremendous bullshitting.

This got me curious as to what other terrible things Dee gave a C+ to. I did some research and came up with some not so surprising answers. Have a look:

  • Tiananmen Square protests
  • Munich Olympics
  • Spider-Man 3
  • Every Nickelback album
  • California’s drought
  • Trouble with the Curve
  • Ted Cruz’s personality
  • Last episode of Dexter
  • Season 2 of The Wire
  • His hairline
  • Curt Schilling’s Facebook page
  • Mark Sweeny’s analysis
  • Ramsay Bolton’s interrogation techniques
  • Every Adam Sandler movie of the last 10 years
  • Santee
  • Expired molly
  • Jeff Moorad’s tenure
  • Jeff Moorad’s beard
  • Jeff Moorad’s bobblehead
  • Jeff Moorad’s stupid fucking face
  • Ben Affleck’s Batman
  • Jared Leto’s Joker
  • Rabies
  • Mike McCoy’s coaching
  • Flint’s water crisis
  • Stannis Baratheon’s parenting
  • Iran-Contra
  • Mufasa’s murder
  • Dean Spanos’ competency
  • Donald Trump’s humbleness
  • North Korea’s human rights policies
  • San Diego Padres draft history

That’s wild. If you happen to come across something else that Mike Dee would definitely give a C+ to, please feel free drop it in the comments.

The Padres have been really bad through two games. Like, historically bad. We literally haven’t seen a baseball team suck this bad through two games in almost a hundred fucking years. Let’s break down all the bad stuff and how much worse it’s going to get!

Quick note: If you’ve never read Ramblings (lucky bastard), I’m too lazy to write a well-constructed blog post, so I just spit out all my opinions via bullet points. If you read something you disagree with, you’re probably wrong.

  • It’s two games (TWO GAMES), so we shouldn’t overreact to anything, no matter how humiliatingly painful it’s been to watch. They faced the best pitcher on the planet and another really good one in Scott Kazmir. The Padres could win their next eight games (don’t laugh) and nobody would even remember the shit heap we just watched, except for those assholes who think great uniforms (more on those later!) were to blame. Let’s relax and see how they perform in a larger sample size.
  • Ok now that that bullshit’s out of the way, holy fucking shit this team sucks. I think the anger from the fans is justified. It feels more like a boiling point after a dormant offseason that saw the best player leave and no one was acquired to replace him. No upgrades were made to the rotation or the everyday lineup. They got a new manager who says the right things all the time, but that’s pretty much it.
  • And you know what? That would’ve been totally fine! At least with me. I get it, you’re gonna suck for a while, but the farm system’s gonna be great and we’re gonna zero in on Latin America and Asia like crazy. Instead ownership boasted all offseason like 16 year olds who just had their cherries popped. There’s no definitive plan in place, at least not one they want to tell us. And now after months and months of talking about how they’re going to over-perform and build and whatever the fuck else, we see the first glimpse of a team they think could surprise people get its teeth kicked in by an actual baseball team. It’s the worst possible start they could have had considering how angry fans already were, confirmation that all our concerns and criticism was justified.
  • Now, are they going to be this bad all season? Of course not! They’re going to eventually score some runs. Shit, they even win a few games. I’ll go as far and say they’ll get to double-digit wins; maybe this month! I hope everybody’s horribly wrong about this team and they win 90 games and make the playoffs. I just wish that wasn’t also ownership’s strategy.
  • Fox Sports San Diego is as insufferable as ever. Fuck whoever decided it was a good idea to have Mark Sweeney randomly pop in during the broadcast. Dick Enberg sounds bored and exhausted; I showed more interest in class the week before Spring Break. Mark Grant is just trying to survive, man; there’s only so many times you can describe a routine double-play or an infield single or oh god where’s the morphine. I look forward to Don Orsillo taking over in July.
  • Said this already on Twitter (follow me!), but if Jabari Blash isn’t going to start against lefties, might as well send him back to Seattle. He’s basically worthless as an extra outfielder because he brings no defensive value. Give 500 at-bats and see what happens. They literally have nothing to lose. We already know what Jon Jay and Melvin Upton are (mehhhhhhhhh).
  • Speaking of Jay, what the fuck. He’s looked like trash in center field, but at least he has a hit! Manuel Margot can’t get here soon enough.
  • Alexei Ramirez has the arm strength of an amputee.
  • Those brown uniforms were GORGEOUS. Perfect cap, too. I can’t wait until they go brown full-time next year, although I do hope they keep a blue/yellow/white alternant. I love this year’s home jersey.
  • Oh, and where are the yellow sleeves? Like 90 percent of why I was excited for the yellow was for the sleeve. God these dudes are boring. Kudos to Derek Norris for the awesome catching gear, though. He looked fantastic.
  • I have no opinion of Andy Green other than I hope he’s got some strong weed.

 

There’s been a lot of anger and rightfully fucking so about some of the comments made by sock puppet Mike Dee and Padres ownership, particularly from Cooper Manning wannabe Pete Seidler. Last Friday Seidler went on the team’s flagship radio station to let us know how fucking stupid he thinks fans are to exclaim that the Padres aren’t rebuilding because they’re fucking morons, that they’re in fact above that notion altogether.

Instead of smashing my neighbor’s car windows rushing to judgement on Seidler’s comments, I slashed their tires took a moment to break down what he was actually saying, and lemme tell ya, the guy cannot possibly be this delusional I mean come the fuck on ain’t wrong. Let’s use the comments Seidler and Dee used yesterday and see where their fucked up logic is coming from.

  • Dee on not wanting to rebuild: “The term we use is ‘building.’ And we’ve been building since Peter and Ron(Fowler) and the group purchased the team three years ago. There’s nobody in that clubhouse that believes that there’s rebuilding or taking a step back. This is about the here and now. 2016. There are guys in there that believe in what we’re doing and believe in where we’re going this year.”

Gotta say, I’m sold. At first I was weary because these guys talk a big game despite never having accomplished anything since they’ve been in charge unless you count whoring themselves out for a fucking midsummer exhibition game, but BAM, right there, Dee said perfectly: “This is about here and now.” Fuck me that is good. Give him a raise and some fresh Molly. He’s earned it.

  • Seidler on his excitement for 2016: “If you go back to a year ago, what AJ Preller thought was we had a chance to make some trades where we got good baseball value back. And the core of that group –Matt KempJames ShieldsWil MyersDerek Norris – they’re still here. They’re not as exciting because they’re not as new, I suppose. But they’re exciting to me. I’m more excited this year than I was last year, frankly, because we’re one more year into Preller’s reign of building a great organization at all levels.”

I can’t find a flaw in his reasoning. The Padres brought back the CORE GROUP of guys that won 74 games last year, all a year older, and have major injury and/or performance concerns someone please direct this motherfucker to FanGraphs. The real problem isn’t bringing back these Famers, it’s that fans don’t get that they’re really good. Fans want NEW Famers every year, and that’s unreasonable. Again, Seidler gets it KILL ME.

  • Dee on potentially being buyers during the season: “I think it’s fair to say we’re keeping some dry powder as we move into the season. See how the major league season unfolds and we could be a participant in an additive way in July if the team performs as we hope.”

Cocaine. That’s pretty much all I got out of that quote.

  • Dee on the 2016 season: “Are we in a competitive division? Absolutely. Is it gonna be tough? For sure. But under Andy’s leadership, we believe this is a roster that can compete. We believe our top 3 starters are as good as any in the National League. …We feel this will be a team that will compete and compete hard in 2016.”

You can tell Dee’s confident the team’s going to improve by citing a manager’s influence as the biggest reason why even though there’s absolutely no way of proving it but whatever. I don’t know about you guys but I’m out of Vicodin please help stoked for the season.

 

Come here, take a seat next to me. It’s OK, it’s not your fault. The Padres have wasted an entire fucking offseason are you kidding me haven’t had the type of offseason we were expecting after having another miserable fucking season these guys are literally trash a disappointing 2015 season, a year many thought they would contend for the playoffs after the flurry of high-profile acquisitions. Obviously those moves didn’t translate to success because we are terrible people who don’t deserve nice things like we were hoping for, but I want to be optimistic and look at a few players on the roster who I’m legitimately excited to watch because I’m a fucking idiot abandon all hope.

First, there’s Wil Myers, he of former prospect glory and form-fitting uniforms. The man fills out pants like Jim Irsay fills out a prescription for Oxy. He can also hit. I’m not talking about Yonder Alonso’s Better Suited for Petco Than Anthony Rizzo hit. I’m talking Make You Get off Your Couch and Vine That Swing hit. I’m a firm believer that Myers will be a legit all-star this year if he stays healthy which he definitely won’t because we can never catch a fucking break. I’m all in on Wil Myers.

The best thing about Spangin’ is there is no set definition for it. It is many things, and you should not hesitate to use it. The Padres traded Jedd Gyorko to St. Louis where he’ll definitely become an all-star and hit 40 home runs oh god I hate everything for Jon Jay seriously just Jon Jay like not even a young pitcher fucking hell, clearing the way for Cory Spangenberg to take over second base. There’s a lot to like about Spang: good feel for hitting, great speed, solid on-base skills, and very good defense. If he puts it all together HE WON’T FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T GET YOUR HOPES UP you’ve got a really good young building block, and possibly an extension candidate *wanking motion*.

For some reason Melvin Upton Jr. gets a lot of shit from fans. David from Vocal Minority pointed it out Twitter; Upton Jr. was really solid in limited playing time (1.6 fWAR in 87 games). Can he sustain that over an entire season, or at least in an extended role? I don’t know, but at the very least there’s hope LOL that he can be a valuable contributor.

Let’s see, oh right the prospects that everyone thinks are garbage. Austin Hedges is probably a narc predictably struggled offensively when he was called up. But, my god, he plays defense like a honey badger on Adderall. He’s almost surely starting at Triple-A, where he’ll play every day and raise our expectations to an unreasonable levels only to kill us in our sleep continue developing offensively kind of like what should have happened last year had the Padres not been so fucking incompetent.

A few others: Travis Jankowski has less power than Peter Seidler was whatever last year, but people who I respect like him quite a bit. Hunter Renfroe is definitely a narc could be up by mid-season fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck Josh Byrnes  and could take over left field permanently. I won’t discuss Javy Guerra and Manuel Margot until 2017 when they’ll be fully realized busts.

You see, it’s not that hard to look at the bright side.

The last time I attempted to write a blog post was just after the end of the Padres season. I wanted to write a recap of another shitty season, but couldn’t stop typing “fuck” so I scrapped it and decided to wait for the trades. It’s mid-December now, and the Padres have made plenty of moves, kind of.

  • The Padres started the offseason as clearly the fourth best team in the division, but the gap now between us and the Diamondbacks is bigger than [insert your porn joke here]. Holy fuck, we are screwed. Like, majorly fucking screwed. I get not wanting to be reactionary and staying with the plan but Jesus Christ make a move, Arthur John.
  • What is the plan, anyway? And don’t fucking say “rebuilding while contending.” That’s replaced “spending just to spend” as my way of knowing you’re an asshole. I get that the Padres were never going to get the top guys (even though they probably could because they totes have the money). Missing out on the best free agents is one thing; them signing with a division rival is another, the latter firmly placing the Padres in the “fucked” column for who knows how long.
  • Fine, let’s say they are rebuilding while contending, or contending while rebuilding or whatever the fuck they want to call it. If they’re going to trade high-priced players, like they’ve done with Kimbrel and Gyorko (lol), they have to get high-upside players in return, like they did with Manual Margot and Javy Guerra. If you’re going to go this route, you better be ready to spend money, and they haven’t.
  • I really wouldn’t have had a problem with anything they’ve done so far if they hadn’t insisted on pushing the “contending” narrative. Why this organization is so terrified of the word “rebuild” I’ll never know. And I’m not talking about doing what the Astros did. I would’ve been fine restocking the farm with Preller’s guys. I wouldn’t have minded seeing the young guys, whatever ones they still have, play a full season. They probably would’ve sucked, but who cares! They always suck, and it’s fine so long as there is a plan in place and they follow through with it.
  • I keep going back to the plan and thinking of Jed Hoyer and all he’s accomplished with the Cubs. What I loved about Jed, besides his cheekbones, was that he had a clear plan to help turn the Padres into a sustainable, consistent contender. AND IT WAS FUCKING WORKING. Lemme give you a list of guys acquired by Jed Hoyer and Jason McLeod: Anthony Rizzo, Joe Ross, Austin Hedges, Cam Maybin, Jedd Gyorko, Cory Spangenberg, Matt Wisler. Not bad for two years of work. The Padres were on the right path, finally. Then it all went to hell, and here we are again.
  • Maybe the Padres are planning on spending on free agents. There are still plenty of guys still available, and, again, the Padres have money. One of the most annoying things of the offseason is this sense that we should just trust them. They know what they’re doing, according to them. That’s great. I’m glad they’re confident in themselves. But the Giants signed Cueto, the DBacks got Shelby Miller, and the Dodgers have the money and prospects to land an ace (or two). Three other teams in the division are set up for playoff runs for the next several years. YEARS. Either accept reality, and take rebuilding seriously, or throw your fucking hat in the ring and make a move.
  • Lemme just say that I’m big fan of the new unis, especially the new home whites. It’s too bad they’re only going to be used for one year. Hopefully they find a way to keep it in circulation. It’s dope.

If I had to guess I’d say I’ve watched about 75 percent of Padres’ games this season. That’s a lot of Padres baseball, far more than any reasonable person should be allowed to watch. There should be laws that restrict how many Padres games you can watch in one season. Too many will just fuck you up, man.

The Padres played the Rockies yesterday at Coors Field, a deserted pit stop of shame and regret on the road to civilization. I didn’t feel like watching the Padres again, because I mean come on do I really need to explain myself? So I skipped it, opting instead for a night out with a lovely friend. What could I possibly miss in a meaningless August game between a pair of underwhelming teams? Certainly no one’s going to do something crazy like hit four home runs or throw a no-hitter. And there definitely won’t be any cycles, at least not from the Padres.

So I quaff my hair in the douchiest way I know how, then head out. Right around 10-ish I decide to check twitter reeeeaaaaal quick. I never do this because it’s rude and I’m a fucking gentleman. I expect the usual: complaints, sarcasm, bad jokes, good jokes, shit heads, and overall fun banter. Surely nothing important’s happened.

MOTHERFUCKER

I mean, MOTHERFUCKER WHAT????

Yup, a cycle. Of all the fucking nights, Matt Kemp decides to hit for the cycle when I’m not watching. What an asshole. I excuse myself for a moment, high-five a stranger, then fist pump like I just found out I won’t be evicted this month. I start reading through my timeline. There must’ve been dozens of tweets, maybe hundreds, and I loved them all. It was exciting just seeing how much everyone else happy. We don’t get his often, so fuck yeah we’re gonna celebrate it.

I wanted to share my favorite tweets from last night. They’re mostly in chronological order. Fuck yeah cycle!

 

 

 

The highlight of the season is upon us. Sit back, and enjoy A.J. Preller’s cocaine binge. Ramblings:

  • It’s smart baseball to try and get the best possible package of players in any trade. It’s what I hope Preller and company are doing, not settling for anything. On the other hand, COME ONNNNNNNNNNNN. Toss us a goddamn bone. Give us something, anything to discuss. Listen, I love rumors (Christoph Waltz voice), but the constant frustration of going through seven hours worth of tweets and not a single fucking trade going down is exhausting. I deserve to be rewarded, goddammit, it’s my right as a fan and American.
  • I realize that shortstop should be priority numbers 1, 2, 3, and 4, but third base is kind of trash too. I put the air in the tires of the Jedd Gyorko bandwagon, but if they could upgrade the infield (regardless of position) I’m all for it.
  • How fucking deluded is this ownership? Every report regarding the team and the deadline suggests they’re sellers, but they’re still insisting they plan on spending in the offseason because LOOK HOW BIG  OUR COCKS GET WITH VIAGRA. They’re handcuffing their general manager with these comments, even if everyone knows it’s bullshit (well, except them). They’ve somehow successfully shifted the media narrative in their favor, making Preller their fall-guy in the process. “Hey, we spent a fuckload of money! LOOK.” They’re as much, if not more, responsible for the hole the team’s in than anybody else.
  • I’m perfectly fine with keeping Justin Upton for the rest of the season. This team’s going to play itself out of a protected pick anyway (oh, it’s going to fucking happen), so might as well recoup the comp pick and bet on yourself (we’re doomed).
  • What is with all these teams not wanting to part with prospects for good players. These impostors wall themselves contenders, but they ain’t shit. That goes for Toronto, too. Who cares if you can hit, you still can’t pitch for shit. The Jays need a Big Game Pitcher, preferably with the first name that rhymes with Game so as to make a lazy nickname.
  • Remember when the Rockies were rebuilding The Right Way? LOL fuck ’em.
  • Yo release Shawn Kelley immediately.
  • Matt Kemp’s been really good, so that’s something.
  • Brandon Maurer for Cy Young.
  • OK that’s enough Padres. True Detective time!
  • FINALLY. Listen, I never really cared if True Detective was good or not. That was more of a bonus. Last season was great because of the two leads, but show itself was ehhhhhhhhhh. It’s good, but overrated. Most importantly, though, it was entertaining and hilarious and EXTREME. Nothing was ever out of the realm of possibility with these dudes, and that’s how I felt about Sunday’s episode.
  • Before we get to Ray’s coke binge, can we talk about the scene with him and his wife’s rapist. Dear God, please give us an episode where Ray gets his hands on this motherfucker. I don’t think Frank set him up, mostly because he’s an incompetent jackass whose tough guy act is weaker than Ron Fowler’s personal mute button (#ShutUpRonFowler). Ray ain’t done killin’ or tweakin’, which gives the show hope.
  • Yeah, I know there’s only two episodes left. Eat me.
  • It’s seems very odd to introduce something as significant as Ani being sexually abused as a child so late in the season. There are way too many cooks on this show, and the eight episode season does it no favors. This probably should’ve been touched on at the start of the season. Everything was done way too sloppy and hastily. The show essentially wasted the first half of season on Frank. Ugh.
  • WHO IS STAN??????
  • It’s about fucking time the show got the cartel involved. Hat tip, future showrunners and writers: always introduce the cartel sooner rather than later. Shit will always get more interesting. I have no idea what role these fools play in all this, but I can’t wait to find out.
  • Give Paul Woodrugh a gun and place him in a life threatening situation and he suddenly becomes Captain fucking America. Fuck yeah, Paul.
  • Remember Birdman? Of course you fucking don’t because this show is terrible. I think I figured out who he is: Ray’s old boss in Vinci, the one who went to his house and basically evicted him. He has access to riot gear, which was what he shot Ray with, and he’s probably on some rich dude’s payroll in charge of collecting dirty tapes, or whatever.
  • Predictions for the last two episodes: Ani kills her dad who is somehow connected to all this, Ray beats the shit out of at least three more people, Chad realizes that Friends is mostly bullshit after the fourth season.

It’s been a couple weeks since I last posted. Some of it had to do with a busy schedule, but mostly it was because I ran out of things to talk about. But whoa hey look at all the shit that’s gone down! It’s like the Padres threw me a lifeline while still attempting to drown me. Just an FYI I will be giving my thoughts  on True Detective towards the end, so if that’s not your thing, I don’t give a fuck. Let’s ramble!

  • OK so about yesterday. The best way to be a good teammate and to get back at the team that just showed you is to beat them. That’s it. Anything else, like throwing at them or talking shit, is just stupid and petty. Especially with the fucking Giants, who are the goddamn worst. Don’t give them any more ammunition. And who the fuck put Shawn Kelley in charge of doing the shit talking? Did he do that on his own, or was Dale Thayer all “Dude, I need to know you have my back. Call Sanchez a bitch or something. Do it FOR MY HONOR.” Pitchers who give up grand slams then toss their gum at the hitter don’t deserve to be stood up for. Do it your goddamn self, and don’t get angry at a guy for bat flipping after hitting a grand slam. If it were me I would’ve pimp walked around the bases using the bat as a cane.
  • Did I mention that the Giants are the worst? Fuck I hate the Giants.
  • I’m not sure how much of the five-game winning streak was real, whatever “real” means, but I enjoyed it. It’s more fun rooting for wins than it is rooting for losses, except when Stephen Strasburg is in the following year’s draft. Then it’s a kick in the balls.
  • (sorry)
  • Saw this on Twitter yesterday (might have been Nate from Vocal Minority IDK I’m too lazy to check), but I’m all for trading Justin Upton and signing him in the offseason. He supposedly loves San Diego (who doesn’t?) and I like talented ballplayers who like playing for my favorite team (yes I know he wants to stay in SD so long as they pay him the most money; let me dream).
  • The All-Star logo was whatever. I mean, it’s not terrible, but it’s not exciting. It’s very… Padres. I am looking forward to how they use yellow, because yellow is a dope and underrated color. Unless it’s on a Starburst. In that case fuck yellow.
  • The explanation for the colors, though? My God. BATTLESHIP GREY. You can actually hear Michael Bay masturbating to the thought of making that his next movie title. Who the fuck is in charge of naming these colors, and do they really need names? Like, I’m almost pissed they didn’t go with red. Robbed us of a bitchin’ explanation, IMO. If the Padres were any more militarized, they’d be the police.
  • I would trade Trea Turner and Joe Ross for Wil Myers again in a fucking heartbeat.
  • Tyson Ross, James Shields, and Brandon Maurer are the only pitchers I wouldn’t trade. That’s right, I’m shilling for a reliever. Ignore the title of this post. Brandon Maurer  is an All-Star who will return this franchise to glory.
  • OK that’s enough about the Padres. True Detective spoilers from here on out.
  • This show is garbage and everyone involved should be ashamed. How the fuck do you not put Ray Velcoro in a every scene. It’s like batting a dude with a 175 wRC+ sixth in the order. When he puts on his gloves, I lock my door and turn the volume all the way up. Somebody is about to get FUCKED UP, and suddenly the show is watchable. Colin Farrell deserves better.
  • My biggest problem with this season is, save for Ray, I just don’t care about any of these people. I don’t care that Paul’s an alcoholic who’s stuck in the closet and hates his mother and is marrying his pregnant ex girlfriend because hey why the fuck not. I don’t care about Ani and her kinkiness and cult upbringing (that scene last week where she’s at group therapy should’ve been hilarious, instead I started playing with my phone).
  • And then there’s Frank. UGGHHHHH. This fucking guy. He goes around places with his hand out begging for money and crying poor like a fucking scrub. Jeff Moorad is laughing at him. I particularly liked when he took offense to being called a gangster. YOU DON’T HAVE ENOUGH MONEY, BRO.
  • Oh, and what the fuck happened to the dude in the bird costume? You can’t introduce a character like that then not so much as follow up. I want to know more about this person. How fucked up is he/she? Why did they let Ray live? WHY A BIRD?
  • I hate this season for robbing us of last season’s opening credits.
  • I’ll stick with the show for the last three episodes. I mean at this point why the hell not. I hope it gets better, but I’m not optimistic.

I don’t feel particularly motivated to write about the Padres this week because there’s only so many times I can call Will Middlebrooks trash. It’s exhausting and repetitive, and I’m sure he’s a wonderful person who doesn’t deserve it.

What I really want to do is talk about True Detective and all the shit that’s gone down this season. If you don’t watch True Detective, what the fuck? I thought we were cool. Just leave, and don’t come back until you’re ready. I know this isn’t True Detective Public, but fuck it. To satisfy everyone, I’ll compare each character from TD to a current Padres player. Let’s get really weird.

Warning there are major spoilers ahead, so if you’re not caught up leave now. Actually, keep reading. I don’t care.

SO IS VELCORO DEAD? No. He can’t be, right? Motherfucker took two slugs to the stomach from close range from Birdman. I don’t know why I get the feeling that it was Frank who set him up. But then that wouldn’t make sense. Really that’s the essence of the show this season. THIS DOESN’T MAKE ANY FUCKING SENSE.

Anyway, I don’t think our totally fucked maniac hero is dead. First off, you can’t kill your lead character two episodes in. Even Game of Thrones waited until the end of the first season to kill Ned Stark. Second, who fuck else is make this shit worth watching? Is Taylor Kitsch going to do anything as hilarious as compare vaping to sucking a robot’s dick? Hell no. And that line about being a feminist? LOL. I took a look at the first trailer, because I am a loser. Check out who’s ready to beat some motherfucking 12 year olds to death around the 37 second mark. 

Padres comp: Derek Norris

Vince Vaughn’s been a fucking train wreck. He’s having a harder time reading off creator Nic Pizzolatto’s lines than Floyd Mayweather does reading anything. That monologue about his dad locking him in the basement with all the rats and stuff should’ve been some bone chilling shit. Instead it was more like “well dude maybe next time you’ll learn.” I don’t care about this guy or his shitty financial investments.

Padres comp: Matt Kemp (h/t Pog Lankford)

You’d think a hardcore porn addict detective who vapes and is the daughter of a cult leader would do more interesting shit, but nah. I’ll give Ani a break, tho. Have you seen all those fucking knives? She’s gonna use them at some point this season to cut a motherfucker up and it’s going to be awesome. I just hope the show finds her a man who knows what he’s doing. No question she has a high ceiling, I just hope she reaches it before the season completely goes to hell.

Padres comp: A.J. Preller

Ugh I guess I have to talk about Kitsch. What’s his character’s name again? You know what, it doesn’t matter. Every scene with him feels like a massive waste of time. Like hurry up with your moodiness I have a show to watch. Sooner or later they’re going to have to show us what kind of fucked up things he did that made him the way he is. Until then we just have to hope he does more dope shit on his bike while accepting free blow jobs from movie stars.

Padres comp: Will Middlebrooks

One last note: fuuuuuuuuuuck the song for the opening credits for this season. Last season’s song was legit one of the best reasons to watch the show. It’s so perfect and sexy. The new one doesn’t feel sexy. It feels forced and disjointed, like Buddy Black trying to fill out a lineup.