Come here, take a seat next to me. It’s OK, it’s not your fault. The Padres have wasted an entire fucking offseason are you kidding me haven’t had the type of offseason we were expecting after having another miserable fucking season these guys are literally trash a disappointing 2015 season, a year many thought they would contend for the playoffs after the flurry of high-profile acquisitions. Obviously those moves didn’t translate to success because we are terrible people who don’t deserve nice things like we were hoping for, but I want to be optimistic and look at a few players on the roster who I’m legitimately excited to watch because I’m a fucking idiot abandon all hope.

First, there’s Wil Myers, he of former prospect glory and form-fitting uniforms. The man fills out pants like Jim Irsay fills out a prescription for Oxy. He can also hit. I’m not talking about Yonder Alonso’s Better Suited for Petco Than Anthony Rizzo hit. I’m talking Make You Get off Your Couch and Vine That Swing hit. I’m a firm believer that Myers will be a legit all-star this year if he stays healthy which he definitely won’t because we can never catch a fucking break. I’m all in on Wil Myers.

The best thing about Spangin’ is there is no set definition for it. It is many things, and you should not hesitate to use it. The Padres traded Jedd Gyorko to St. Louis where he’ll definitely become an all-star and hit 40 home runs oh god I hate everything for Jon Jay seriously just Jon Jay like not even a young pitcher fucking hell, clearing the way for Cory Spangenberg to take over second base. There’s a lot to like about Spang: good feel for hitting, great speed, solid on-base skills, and very good defense. If he puts it all together HE WON’T FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T GET YOUR HOPES UP you’ve got a really good young building block, and possibly an extension candidate *wanking motion*.

For some reason Melvin Upton Jr. gets a lot of shit from fans. David from Vocal Minority pointed it out Twitter; Upton Jr. was really solid in limited playing time (1.6 fWAR in 87 games). Can he sustain that over an entire season, or at least in an extended role? I don’t know, but at the very least there’s hope LOL that he can be a valuable contributor.

Let’s see, oh right the prospects that everyone thinks are garbage. Austin Hedges is probably a narc predictably struggled offensively when he was called up. But, my god, he plays defense like a honey badger on Adderall. He’s almost surely starting at Triple-A, where he’ll play every day and raise our expectations to an unreasonable levels only to kill us in our sleep continue developing offensively kind of like what should have happened last year had the Padres not been so fucking incompetent.

A few others: Travis Jankowski has less power than Peter Seidler was whatever last year, but people who I respect like him quite a bit. Hunter Renfroe is definitely a narc could be up by mid-season fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck Josh Byrnes  and could take over left field permanently. I won’t discuss Javy Guerra and Manuel Margot until 2017 when they’ll be fully realized busts.

You see, it’s not that hard to look at the bright side.

The last time I attempted to write a blog post was just after the end of the Padres season. I wanted to write a recap of another shitty season, but couldn’t stop typing “fuck” so I scrapped it and decided to wait for the trades. It’s mid-December now, and the Padres have made plenty of moves, kind of.

  • The Padres started the offseason as clearly the fourth best team in the division, but the gap now between us and the Diamondbacks is bigger than [insert your porn joke here]. Holy fuck, we are screwed. Like, majorly fucking screwed. I get not wanting to be reactionary and staying with the plan but Jesus Christ make a move, Arthur John.
  • What is the plan, anyway? And don’t fucking say “rebuilding while contending.” That’s replaced “spending just to spend” as my way of knowing you’re an asshole. I get that the Padres were never going to get the top guys (even though they probably could because they totes have the money). Missing out on the best free agents is one thing; them signing with a division rival is another, the latter firmly placing the Padres in the “fucked” column for who knows how long.
  • Fine, let’s say they are rebuilding while contending, or contending while rebuilding or whatever the fuck they want to call it. If they’re going to trade high-priced players, like they’ve done with Kimbrel and Gyorko (lol), they have to get high-upside players in return, like they did with Manual Margot and Javy Guerra. If you’re going to go this route, you better be ready to spend money, and they haven’t.
  • I really wouldn’t have had a problem with anything they’ve done so far if they hadn’t insisted on pushing the “contending” narrative. Why this organization is so terrified of the word “rebuild” I’ll never know. And I’m not talking about doing what the Astros did. I would’ve been fine restocking the farm with Preller’s guys. I wouldn’t have minded seeing the young guys, whatever ones they still have, play a full season. They probably would’ve sucked, but who cares! They always suck, and it’s fine so long as there is a plan in place and they follow through with it.
  • I keep going back to the plan and thinking of Jed Hoyer and all he’s accomplished with the Cubs. What I loved about Jed, besides his cheekbones, was that he had a clear plan to help turn the Padres into a sustainable, consistent contender. AND IT WAS FUCKING WORKING. Lemme give you a list of guys acquired by Jed Hoyer and Jason McLeod: Anthony Rizzo, Joe Ross, Austin Hedges, Cam Maybin, Jedd Gyorko, Cory Spangenberg, Matt Wisler. Not bad for two years of work. The Padres were on the right path, finally. Then it all went to hell, and here we are again.
  • Maybe the Padres are planning on spending on free agents. There are still plenty of guys still available, and, again, the Padres have money. One of the most annoying things of the offseason is this sense that we should just trust them. They know what they’re doing, according to them. That’s great. I’m glad they’re confident in themselves. But the Giants signed Cueto, the DBacks got Shelby Miller, and the Dodgers have the money and prospects to land an ace (or two). Three other teams in the division are set up for playoff runs for the next several years. YEARS. Either accept reality, and take rebuilding seriously, or throw your fucking hat in the ring and make a move.
  • Lemme just say that I’m big fan of the new unis, especially the new home whites. It’s too bad they’re only going to be used for one year. Hopefully they find a way to keep it in circulation. It’s dope.

If I had to guess I’d say I’ve watched about 75 percent of Padres’ games this season. That’s a lot of Padres baseball, far more than any reasonable person should be allowed to watch. There should be laws that restrict how many Padres games you can watch in one season. Too many will just fuck you up, man.

The Padres played the Rockies yesterday at Coors Field, a deserted pit stop of shame and regret on the road to civilization. I didn’t feel like watching the Padres again, because I mean come on do I really need to explain myself? So I skipped it, opting instead for a night out with a lovely friend. What could I possibly miss in a meaningless August game between a pair of underwhelming teams? Certainly no one’s going to do something crazy like hit four home runs or throw a no-hitter. And there definitely won’t be any cycles, at least not from the Padres.

So I quaff my hair in the douchiest way I know how, then head out. Right around 10-ish I decide to check twitter reeeeaaaaal quick. I never do this because it’s rude and I’m a fucking gentleman. I expect the usual: complaints, sarcasm, bad jokes, good jokes, shit heads, and overall fun banter. Surely nothing important’s happened.

MOTHERFUCKER

I mean, MOTHERFUCKER WHAT????

Yup, a cycle. Of all the fucking nights, Matt Kemp decides to hit for the cycle when I’m not watching. What an asshole. I excuse myself for a moment, high-five a stranger, then fist pump like I just found out I won’t be evicted this month. I start reading through my timeline. There must’ve been dozens of tweets, maybe hundreds, and I loved them all. It was exciting just seeing how much everyone else happy. We don’t get his often, so fuck yeah we’re gonna celebrate it.

I wanted to share my favorite tweets from last night. They’re mostly in chronological order. Fuck yeah cycle!

 

 

 

The highlight of the season is upon us. Sit back, and enjoy A.J. Preller’s cocaine binge. Ramblings:

  • It’s smart baseball to try and get the best possible package of players in any trade. It’s what I hope Preller and company are doing, not settling for anything. On the other hand, COME ONNNNNNNNNNNN. Toss us a goddamn bone. Give us something, anything to discuss. Listen, I love rumors (Christoph Waltz voice), but the constant frustration of going through seven hours worth of tweets and not a single fucking trade going down is exhausting. I deserve to be rewarded, goddammit, it’s my right as a fan and American.
  • I realize that shortstop should be priority numbers 1, 2, 3, and 4, but third base is kind of trash too. I put the air in the tires of the Jedd Gyorko bandwagon, but if they could upgrade the infield (regardless of position) I’m all for it.
  • How fucking deluded is this ownership? Every report regarding the team and the deadline suggests they’re sellers, but they’re still insisting they plan on spending in the offseason because LOOK HOW BIG  OUR COCKS GET WITH VIAGRA. They’re handcuffing their general manager with these comments, even if everyone knows it’s bullshit (well, except them). They’ve somehow successfully shifted the media narrative in their favor, making Preller their fall-guy in the process. “Hey, we spent a fuckload of money! LOOK.” They’re as much, if not more, responsible for the hole the team’s in than anybody else.
  • I’m perfectly fine with keeping Justin Upton for the rest of the season. This team’s going to play itself out of a protected pick anyway (oh, it’s going to fucking happen), so might as well recoup the comp pick and bet on yourself (we’re doomed).
  • What is with all these teams not wanting to part with prospects for good players. These impostors wall themselves contenders, but they ain’t shit. That goes for Toronto, too. Who cares if you can hit, you still can’t pitch for shit. The Jays need a Big Game Pitcher, preferably with the first name that rhymes with Game so as to make a lazy nickname.
  • Remember when the Rockies were rebuilding The Right Way? LOL fuck ’em.
  • Yo release Shawn Kelley immediately.
  • Matt Kemp’s been really good, so that’s something.
  • Brandon Maurer for Cy Young.
  • OK that’s enough Padres. True Detective time!
  • FINALLY. Listen, I never really cared if True Detective was good or not. That was more of a bonus. Last season was great because of the two leads, but show itself was ehhhhhhhhhh. It’s good, but overrated. Most importantly, though, it was entertaining and hilarious and EXTREME. Nothing was ever out of the realm of possibility with these dudes, and that’s how I felt about Sunday’s episode.
  • Before we get to Ray’s coke binge, can we talk about the scene with him and his wife’s rapist. Dear God, please give us an episode where Ray gets his hands on this motherfucker. I don’t think Frank set him up, mostly because he’s an incompetent jackass whose tough guy act is weaker than Ron Fowler’s personal mute button (#ShutUpRonFowler). Ray ain’t done killin’ or tweakin’, which gives the show hope.
  • Yeah, I know there’s only two episodes left. Eat me.
  • It’s seems very odd to introduce something as significant as Ani being sexually abused as a child so late in the season. There are way too many cooks on this show, and the eight episode season does it no favors. This probably should’ve been touched on at the start of the season. Everything was done way too sloppy and hastily. The show essentially wasted the first half of season on Frank. Ugh.
  • WHO IS STAN??????
  • It’s about fucking time the show got the cartel involved. Hat tip, future showrunners and writers: always introduce the cartel sooner rather than later. Shit will always get more interesting. I have no idea what role these fools play in all this, but I can’t wait to find out.
  • Give Paul Woodrugh a gun and place him in a life threatening situation and he suddenly becomes Captain fucking America. Fuck yeah, Paul.
  • Remember Birdman? Of course you fucking don’t because this show is terrible. I think I figured out who he is: Ray’s old boss in Vinci, the one who went to his house and basically evicted him. He has access to riot gear, which was what he shot Ray with, and he’s probably on some rich dude’s payroll in charge of collecting dirty tapes, or whatever.
  • Predictions for the last two episodes: Ani kills her dad who is somehow connected to all this, Ray beats the shit out of at least three more people, Chad realizes that Friends is mostly bullshit after the fourth season.

It’s been a couple weeks since I last posted. Some of it had to do with a busy schedule, but mostly it was because I ran out of things to talk about. But whoa hey look at all the shit that’s gone down! It’s like the Padres threw me a lifeline while still attempting to drown me. Just an FYI I will be giving my thoughts  on True Detective towards the end, so if that’s not your thing, I don’t give a fuck. Let’s ramble!

  • OK so about yesterday. The best way to be a good teammate and to get back at the team that just showed you is to beat them. That’s it. Anything else, like throwing at them or talking shit, is just stupid and petty. Especially with the fucking Giants, who are the goddamn worst. Don’t give them any more ammunition. And who the fuck put Shawn Kelley in charge of doing the shit talking? Did he do that on his own, or was Dale Thayer all “Dude, I need to know you have my back. Call Sanchez a bitch or something. Do it FOR MY HONOR.” Pitchers who give up grand slams then toss their gum at the hitter don’t deserve to be stood up for. Do it your goddamn self, and don’t get angry at a guy for bat flipping after hitting a grand slam. If it were me I would’ve pimp walked around the bases using the bat as a cane.
  • Did I mention that the Giants are the worst? Fuck I hate the Giants.
  • I’m not sure how much of the five-game winning streak was real, whatever “real” means, but I enjoyed it. It’s more fun rooting for wins than it is rooting for losses, except when Stephen Strasburg is in the following year’s draft. Then it’s a kick in the balls.
  • (sorry)
  • Saw this on Twitter yesterday (might have been Nate from Vocal Minority IDK I’m too lazy to check), but I’m all for trading Justin Upton and signing him in the offseason. He supposedly loves San Diego (who doesn’t?) and I like talented ballplayers who like playing for my favorite team (yes I know he wants to stay in SD so long as they pay him the most money; let me dream).
  • The All-Star logo was whatever. I mean, it’s not terrible, but it’s not exciting. It’s very… Padres. I am looking forward to how they use yellow, because yellow is a dope and underrated color. Unless it’s on a Starburst. In that case fuck yellow.
  • The explanation for the colors, though? My God. BATTLESHIP GREY. You can actually hear Michael Bay masturbating to the thought of making that his next movie title. Who the fuck is in charge of naming these colors, and do they really need names? Like, I’m almost pissed they didn’t go with red. Robbed us of a bitchin’ explanation, IMO. If the Padres were any more militarized, they’d be the police.
  • I would trade Trea Turner and Joe Ross for Wil Myers again in a fucking heartbeat.
  • Tyson Ross, James Shields, and Brandon Maurer are the only pitchers I wouldn’t trade. That’s right, I’m shilling for a reliever. Ignore the title of this post. Brandon Maurer  is an All-Star who will return this franchise to glory.
  • OK that’s enough about the Padres. True Detective spoilers from here on out.
  • This show is garbage and everyone involved should be ashamed. How the fuck do you not put Ray Velcoro in a every scene. It’s like batting a dude with a 175 wRC+ sixth in the order. When he puts on his gloves, I lock my door and turn the volume all the way up. Somebody is about to get FUCKED UP, and suddenly the show is watchable. Colin Farrell deserves better.
  • My biggest problem with this season is, save for Ray, I just don’t care about any of these people. I don’t care that Paul’s an alcoholic who’s stuck in the closet and hates his mother and is marrying his pregnant ex girlfriend because hey why the fuck not. I don’t care about Ani and her kinkiness and cult upbringing (that scene last week where she’s at group therapy should’ve been hilarious, instead I started playing with my phone).
  • And then there’s Frank. UGGHHHHH. This fucking guy. He goes around places with his hand out begging for money and crying poor like a fucking scrub. Jeff Moorad is laughing at him. I particularly liked when he took offense to being called a gangster. YOU DON’T HAVE ENOUGH MONEY, BRO.
  • Oh, and what the fuck happened to the dude in the bird costume? You can’t introduce a character like that then not so much as follow up. I want to know more about this person. How fucked up is he/she? Why did they let Ray live? WHY A BIRD?
  • I hate this season for robbing us of last season’s opening credits.
  • I’ll stick with the show for the last three episodes. I mean at this point why the hell not. I hope it gets better, but I’m not optimistic.

I don’t feel particularly motivated to write about the Padres this week because there’s only so many times I can call Will Middlebrooks trash. It’s exhausting and repetitive, and I’m sure he’s a wonderful person who doesn’t deserve it.

What I really want to do is talk about True Detective and all the shit that’s gone down this season. If you don’t watch True Detective, what the fuck? I thought we were cool. Just leave, and don’t come back until you’re ready. I know this isn’t True Detective Public, but fuck it. To satisfy everyone, I’ll compare each character from TD to a current Padres player. Let’s get really weird.

Warning there are major spoilers ahead, so if you’re not caught up leave now. Actually, keep reading. I don’t care.

SO IS VELCORO DEAD? No. He can’t be, right? Motherfucker took two slugs to the stomach from close range from Birdman. I don’t know why I get the feeling that it was Frank who set him up. But then that wouldn’t make sense. Really that’s the essence of the show this season. THIS DOESN’T MAKE ANY FUCKING SENSE.

Anyway, I don’t think our totally fucked maniac hero is dead. First off, you can’t kill your lead character two episodes in. Even Game of Thrones waited until the end of the first season to kill Ned Stark. Second, who fuck else is make this shit worth watching? Is Taylor Kitsch going to do anything as hilarious as compare vaping to sucking a robot’s dick? Hell no. And that line about being a feminist? LOL. I took a look at the first trailer, because I am a loser. Check out who’s ready to beat some motherfucking 12 year olds to death around the 37 second mark. 

Padres comp: Derek Norris

Vince Vaughn’s been a fucking train wreck. He’s having a harder time reading off creator Nic Pizzolatto’s lines than Floyd Mayweather does reading anything. That monologue about his dad locking him in the basement with all the rats and stuff should’ve been some bone chilling shit. Instead it was more like “well dude maybe next time you’ll learn.” I don’t care about this guy or his shitty financial investments.

Padres comp: Matt Kemp (h/t Pog Lankford)

You’d think a hardcore porn addict detective who vapes and is the daughter of a cult leader would do more interesting shit, but nah. I’ll give Ani a break, tho. Have you seen all those fucking knives? She’s gonna use them at some point this season to cut a motherfucker up and it’s going to be awesome. I just hope the show finds her a man who knows what he’s doing. No question she has a high ceiling, I just hope she reaches it before the season completely goes to hell.

Padres comp: A.J. Preller

Ugh I guess I have to talk about Kitsch. What’s his character’s name again? You know what, it doesn’t matter. Every scene with him feels like a massive waste of time. Like hurry up with your moodiness I have a show to watch. Sooner or later they’re going to have to show us what kind of fucked up things he did that made him the way he is. Until then we just have to hope he does more dope shit on his bike while accepting free blow jobs from movie stars.

Padres comp: Will Middlebrooks

One last note: fuuuuuuuuuuck the song for the opening credits for this season. Last season’s song was legit one of the best reasons to watch the show. It’s so perfect and sexy. The new one doesn’t feel sexy. It feels forced and disjointed, like Buddy Black trying to fill out a lineup.

As my ex-girlfriend would say, let’s just get this over with.

  • It really sucks that I’m not an Astros fan, because then I would have SO MUCH to talk about, like Carlos Correa and Lance McCullers and George Springer and a bunch of randoms. No, instead I’m stuck with the Padres. The same middling, painfully average Padres team that’s a bigger dick tease than any Star Wars trailer. This team sucks, then shows signs of life, then gets shut out, then fires someone, then gives us a meme we (I) run into the ground, because there’s literally nothing else to talk about, because we’ve been talking and writing and complaining about the same shit all season. The defense sucks? We already knew that, asshole! The pitching hasn’t met expectations? That’s probably the defense’s fault (and Andrew Cashner’s). Let’s see, what else. Oh, the lineups, which apparently Murph doesn’t even fill out himself? Which seems odd considering that’s a pretty important aspect of the game you’re leaving to a group of stooges who are probably only employed because they were your predecessor’s buddy (PUN INTENDED, MOTHERFUCKER). BTW, I’m not convinced Murph doesn’t fill out the lineup himself, mainly because he can’t be that stupid. Or maybe he is! Who gives a fuck! This is a very lengthy bullet and I’m not even sure what I’m trying to say. Baseball sucks. Death is imminent.
  • Speaking of lineups, there are only two Padres who should never, under any circumstances, ever be benched: JUpton and Yonder.  Everyone else is fair game.
  • What the fuck is this team thinking with Derek Norris? His OBP is now under .300, and his June numbers are uglier than their draft history. He won’t make it to August at this pace. I have no idea what their plan is for Austin Hedges. He’s wasting away on the bench instead of getting regular at-bats that he desperately needs. If they have such little faith in him bring in someone else. Or wait until Norris is in a boot or sling or worse.
  •   The Middlebrooks and Solarte experiments are adorable, like when you’re trying on a pair of suits your girlfriend picked out but they’re so fucking hideous you’d rather just end the relationship. End this ratchet charade and call-up Gyorko. BTW remember when people said the Chase Headley deal was looking good for the Padres because of one fluky April by Solarte? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA (Headley hasn’t been good this year, but shut up).
  • I’d like to join the Brandon Maurer Club. Where do I sign? Is there some sort of blood oath we have to take, because I am down. Give me more Maurer.
  • The worst part about of this season is not being able to make fun of the Diamondbacks. I really, really like making fun of the D-Backs, and the Padres have taken that away from me. I’ll never forgive them.
  • This is probably a terrible thing to say, but I’d rather Kemp be a massive asshole and put up all-star numbers than the other way around. Trying hard and having a great attitude ain’t gonna win you shit (see: every Padres team of the last 10 years).
  • I’m not ready to start thinking about possible JUpton trade scenarios yet. I’m just gonna enjoy watching him play for as long as he’s here.

So, some stuff went down recently. Quite a bit of stuff, actually. Stuff that made some people angry, and others very happy. Let’s get into it.

  • I would love to unleash a Bud Black take so hot that not even the White Walkers would be able to put out, but Dustin over at The Sac Bunt, as usual, wrote a terrific post on Buddy that I mostly agree with. There’s not much more that needs to be said. He had eight plus years, and even though  he mostly had shitty rosters, you can still show traits of being a quality manager even with a terrible collection of talent (i.e. Joe Maddon’s early Tampa years).
  • The one moment of Bud’s tenure that will always stick out and piss me off to no end happened his first year with the Padres. It was the end of the season at Milwaukee, and they had to beat the Brewers to secure a playoff spot. Instead of throwing Jake Peavy, the best goddamn pitcher on the planet at the time, on short rest, Bud saved him for a *POTENTIAL* one game playoff in Colorado. I mean what the fuck, Bud. Why not go balls out to try and avoid a single-game elimination at MOTHERFUCKING COORS FIELD. That trash Rockies team made it to the World Series and got destroyed because they were a trash team. Who knows if we would’ve beaten the Red Sox, but I liked our chances better considering we had the BEST FUCKING PITCHER ON THE PLANET AT THE TIME. Whatever I’m over it. I wish Bud the best wherever he lands.
  • Wil Myers should not play again until he’s fully healthy. If he misses the rest of the season, so be it. He’s way too important to dick around with. BTW, was Bud authorized to take Myers off the DL? I’ve always assumed that was the GM’s call, after consulting with doctors of course. Whoever gave the OK fucked up big time.
  • Basically what I want from Pat Murphy is for the bunting to end and for him to not bury young players for no goddamn reason. If he does that and gives me ideas for lame jokes on Twitter then we’ll be good.
  • Spang the last two weeks: .308/.349/.385 with a 117 OPS+. I get the feeling some think that wanting Gyorko to be the everyday second baseman meant wanting Spang to fail, which could not be farther from the truth. I love Spangin’ as much as the next guy. I’d Spang in public if it wasn’t a felony. If he can get on base and cause hell on the bases he’ll be a really useful player. Plus, have you seen that smile?
  • If batting Melvin leadoff is gonna get him going, then I’m all for it, especially if he can still go get it in the outfield. Plus Venable’s still there (when is he fucking not?) in case MUpton reverts to Atlanta Braves MUpton.
  • I’ve seen just about enough of Andrew Cashner.
  • If Murph doesn’t go up to Craig Kimbrel after another blown game and asks “What’s the most you’ve ever lost in a coin toss?” then I just don’t know what AJ Preller saw in him.
  • There’s been a lot hate and anger directed towards the site in recent days. Normally I wouldn’t care because the people saying these things are shit heel dumb fucks with less baseball intelligence than a tomato are easy to ignore. But from time to time you get pulled into these long arguments that make you want to stab yourself in the face repeatedly with a rusty toothbrush go on forever. I hate those type of arguments because the people on the other end can get fucked they’re so petty. So please, in the future, leave me out of your dumb as fuck arguments. KTHXBYE.

Hello there. How are you? I don’t care. Let’s ramble:

  • What in the fuck was AJ Preller wearing on draft day (night? whatever). Christ that was disgusting. I’m not gonna post it here, because I have fucking standards, but you know what I’m referring to. The hideous jacket with pants two sizes too big and shoes he stole from a hobo. This is a fucking BREAKFAST town, bro. SMH. And what the fuck was up with the creepy setup in an office Preller’s clearly never been in before? Is that where they buried Garf? Are the Moorad bobbleheads being kept there for safekeeping? ARE RON FOWLER’S FOOD STAMPS THERE? All valid and fair questions.
  • I’ve paid very little attention to the draft this year, and it’s all last year’s shitty shitty fucking terrible trash garbage fuckhead Padres’ team’s fault. Nice going assholes. You cost us a first rounder, and for what? Pride? HAHAHAHAHAHA. Pride, like Andrew Cashner, is overrated as fuck. Mostly, though, I blame Preller for not maiming every Padre that got hot after he was hired. The Rockstar GM could’ve prevented this, and he did nothing but watch as Will Venable and a bunch of randoms decided the most meaningless month of the season was the right time to not be trash.
  • YONDERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
  • Oh look Middlebrooks sucks again.
  • Speaking of Middlebrooks, Clint Barmes is a better hitter than him right now, which is fucking hilarious.
  • Frankly I don’t care who gets sent down or benched or forced onto the DL when Myers gets healthy, except for JUp <3. I’m not buying him playing second or third base, although with this org you never know.
  • I’ve accepted Jedd Gyorko’s probably a goner, and that’s a real shame. I’ve made my feelings known about Gyorko and, more importantly, Bud’s treatment of Gyorko. Nothing’s changed. He’s their best option at second base, and it’s not really close.
  • FSSD would find a way to defend Stannis Baratheon if he were a Padres employee.
  • Fuck Stannis Baratheon.
  • Oh you didn’t believe me about the truth bomb I dropped earlier on you about how Middlebrooks is more trash than Barmes? Fine. Middlebrooks OPS+: 92; Barmes: 94. Middlebrooks wRC+: 89; Barmes: 90. “But he’s barely better!” Fuck you I’m still right.
  • Bud running Derek Norris into the ground as Austin Hedges plays Angry Birds on his phone on the bench is pretty cool.
  • Another week of looking like a real baseball player for Matt Kemp!
  • Craig Kimbrel’s pitching just well enough to not make you think he’s point shaving.
  • RRRRRRRRRRR ALONSOOOOOOOOOOOO. Yonder’s definitely my favorite baseball player who can’t dress for shit and roots for a soccer club that is the equivalent of herpes. Still, as long as he gets on base I’m fine with him being our first baseman. Hey you could do worse there, like Brad Hawpe or Anthony Rizzo.
  • The Brandon Morrow news sucks. It was the most predictable injury, but it’s never cool to see a guy go down, especially after he pitched so well. There’s pretty much no starting pitching depth now, so we have to hope everyone stays healthy the rest of the season. We’re fucked.
  • I probably won’t be tweeting much over the next couple of weeks/months. I’ll do my best to have one of these posts up every week. Go Cavs.

Today we’re going to discuss Bud Black in great detahahahahahahahaha no we’re not. Let’s ramble:

  • Jedd Gyorko needs to be playing every day. I can’t believe this is even a discussion. The offense has been absolute dog shit this month, and Gyorko, who’s hitting .277/.358/.489 with a 178 OPS+ in May, can’t get regular at-bats because of trash baseball player Will Middlebrooks and good-looking but meh baseball player Cory Spangenberg. Neither of those two guys should be playing over Gyorko. I don’t care which one sits, though at this point I’d be happy to see Middlebrooks gone altogether. Gyorko’s also the best defender of the group, which should seem like more of a priority considering the albatross this team’s been in the field. I’m worried that at this point Gyorko’s best chance for regular playing time this season is with another team.
  • Look at Will Venable, playing as spry as the 25-year-old he was when we first saw him almost 39 years ago. Time flies waiting for someone to reach their ceiling, or continue being a massive dick tease. His hitting and defense have been a godsend. Holy shit that’s a disgusting sentence, but it’s the truth. All hail Will Venable, grandfather to us all.
  • OK fine, since no one wants to do it, I’ll go ahead and say it: Justin Upton’s good.
  • Speaking of Uptons, what of one Melvin Upton? Could he still be a useful player? Let’s take a look at his Baseball-Reference pag- OH GOD NOOOOOOOOOO. I’m not gonna pile on Melvin. I’m sure he’s gotten a lot of shit from a lot people since he signed that contract. I hope he comes back healthy and we see some semblance of the player he once was. But for now he’s in the Josh Johnson/Corey Luebke/Brandon Morrow group. Not gonna expect much from his this year, and possibly ever.
  • Matt Kemp’s looked like a real baseball player the last couple games, which is nice to see.
  • It’s funny how nobody talks about how much run support, or lack thereof, the starters get except when Andrew Cashner pitches. Here’s an idea, stop bringing that meaningless shit up. Nobody judges a pitcher’s performance based on his win-loss record, and if they do then you should ignore them. I had no idea what Cashner’s record was until I looked it, and then I hated myself for wasting the time it took looking up a meaningless stat when I could have been thinking about Fury Road or Huston Street. “Cashner’s snakebitten!” Why? Because he doesn’t get any wins? Fuck off. Join the rest of us in 2015.
  • Speaking of Fury Road, FURY ROAD!!!!!!!
  • I’m ready for Yonder and Myers to come back, or really anyone to displace Solarte at first base.
  • Does Tyson Ross have the sexiest pitch on the staff? At first I would think Kimbrel’s fastball, but he’s been shit for most of the year. Cashner’s slider is sexy, but not in the way you want to invite it over to hang out; more like a backup. Ian Kennedy’s stuff has been so on-and-off, you can’t really trust it to be sexy when you need it to be. Sorry, Despaigne’s not welcome in this conversation.
  • OK one very quick thing on Buddy: he’s gotta get thrown out the next time a bullshit call goes against his guys. It sounds totally stupid and unproductive, but I think it matters when the manager’s as pissed off about a bad call as his player is.